Wanna know the reason I didn’t take the part-time job at Big Lots a few years ago? First of all, I didn’t know what a grocery “recovery” person did, so I went with Sean Stoudt, staff member from The Evergreen Club, to check the job out. After seeing the amount of physical labor I’d have to put into kneeling, bending, and reaching, I was afraid of having a fibromyalgia flare-up if I worked there. That’s for starters. The reason I didn’t tell people this was because I had been mostly pain-free for a long time, and wasn’t even sure it was Fibromyalgia, as I’d also been diagnosed with Somatoform disorder. But since I wasn’t super anxious about my health at the time (as I was trying to keep my mind off my physical health as much as possible), I didn’t want to have to explain that reason to others. Besides, people are ignorant about both Fibromyalgia AND Somatoform Disorder.
Another reason I didn’t want the job was because I was afraid of not making friends and being treated by other workers as being “special” for having a schizophrenia diagnosis, that or being met with disbelief, since I wasn’t obviously schizophrenic so long as I kept my mouth shut about the alleged spy-op. On a side note, I question the schizophrenia diagnosis myself and believe their WAS a real spy-op.
A third reason was that I was afraid of who I might run into while working there, including my ex-husband or his ex-wife. My ex-husband used to threaten me when we were married, and once he threatened to throw me out in the middle of the street outside the bookstore I owned (this was about three years after our divorce). Both my ex-husband and his ex-wife used to bully me, causing me severe anxiety whenever the phone rang.
As if that weren’t enough, I didn’t think the job would keep me distracted from my painful memories of the alleged spy-op, and I’d be on the bus for two hours both ways in addition to a 30-minute car ride with my dad each way (as my parents live out in the country). That’s a two ½ hr. trip each way to work at a four-hour job! And what would I spend my time thinking about while I was on the bus? But of course, the alleged spy-op. No thanks! I was much happier spending my time volunteering at The Evergreen Club doing a variety of mentally engaging activities in a safe and comfortable workplace, around super nice people.
I sound nervous half-way through this speech, but it works, because I’m talking about my anxiety. When I was on the E.W.U. panel, I was afraid of sounding anxious. Then I heard someone talk who’s speech was full of anxiety and emotion, and realized that she was the most powerful speaker that afternoon. And part of my anxiety is about not sounding perfect. To address this anxiety, I actually need to put myself out there DESPITE not sounding perfect. With time, I will perfect my skill, and hope to realize my full potential.
In this video, I explain what all consumer educators for Eastern Washington University’s Occupational Therapy Program do to help educate their students and destigmatize mental illness for their students.
Hi everyone, my name is Myra St. Clair Baldwin and I’m a Consumer Educator for Eastern Washington University’s Occupational Therapy Program.
The E.W.U. Occupational Therapy program put together a panel and Q&A session as part of an eight-session program in which eight people in recovery from mental illness, including myself, will be working with students in the program.
When I arrived at the orientation classroom, the instructor’s assistant gave us some paperwork to fill out and sign, which I completed. Then we learned more about what we’d be doing. The sessions last about two to three hours each. The next two sessions after the panel discussion, three students who I’ll be working with the rest of the quarter will be practicing doing an assessment on me, which should be interesting. So long as I don’t have brain fog from Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, then I believe I’ll ace any cognitive tests they give me. I’ll let you know later how I did. The panel discussion and Q&A itself was in front of an audience of about 30 or 40 students. The two sessions following the assessments are in the Spokane community, at the locations of our choosing. I plan to show the students I’m working with the Huntington Park, down by the Spokane River, behind the city hall for one session. For another session, I plan to show them a subsect of downtown, starting with the apartment building above Boo Radley’s novelty shop and Atticus Coffeehouse, where I thought I was spied on. I will also be showing them the bus plaza and the construction for the new downtown library, letting them know what amazing features the new library is going to have, which will include a video recording studio, a music recording studio, and a broadcasting studio, all of which will be available to be checked out by the public. I may get to do this job again in future years and might book a tour with the students of the new downtown library after it reopens, as that would be exciting! There’s a couple more sessions after that, including a session about completing a discharge plan and ending with a presentation the students give that we’re invited to. I plan to wear my t-shirt for mine & my partners’ blog “The Deep End Northwest” to one of the assessments as well as to the student presentations, in the hopes that the students will decide to take a peek at our blog out of curiosity.
After the orientation, we were escorted to the classroom where the students were. It was a small classroom, but the class was jam-packed. There wasn’t one empty desk. I went first, so I could get it done and over with, as I was anxious. This ended up being a good idea, because it freed me to listen more intently to the other panelists, whose stories were powerful. Although I knew most of them, I wasn’t familiar with their stories. Even though I was nervous, I think I did all right. Not perfect, but I don’t have a lot of experience yet on stage, so my talk wasn’t bad, considering. I ended up having to catch my breath a few times during the speech, but I wasn’t as anxious as I had expected.
After we each spoke, there was a Q&A. I managed to make the students laugh a couple of times, which reminded me that I sometimes have a sense of humor, which is what helped me survive the alleged privacy invasion that I endured. After the questions, the instructor said we were free to do a meet & greet with the students, but I was dying to go pee, and blurted out “I…I gotta take a leak!” That made the students laugh. There’s a backstory to why I now say “I gotta take a leak” rather than “I need to use the bathroom” or “I gotta go pee.” I’ll save that story for another day.
It’s really cutting edge what the instructor is doing, having some of us in mental health recovery work with the students. It helps humanize mental illness for the students. It’s an invaluable and cost-effective way for the students to “get it.” We each get paid $300 for the full contract. It was the instructor’s idea back in 2007, and there’s only a few universities now doing it. She’s presented at conferences and tried to sell others on how cost-effective it is and how it helps destigmatize mental illness for the students but hasn’t gotten a lot of buy-in yet. Perhaps in time, more universities will implement similar programs.
A couple of weeks ago, I gave the following speech to a classroom of Occupational Therapy students at Eastern Washington University, to whom my mental health history and medications were relevant. I will be working with three of the students for the remainder of the quarter as a consumer educator. Since I gave the speech, I’ve decided to wait until spring to participate in the writing group mentioned.
May I present…the one, the only…Myra Sue St. Clair Baldwin (that’s me)!
Hello everyone! My name is Myra St. Clair Baldwin. I have a bachelor’s degree in Humanities from E.W.U., am a former AmeriCorps Vista project coordinator for SCC, write for a blog, attend the Evergreen Club, and have been diagnosed with schizophrenia, PTSD, ADD, anxiety, plus chronic fatigue syndrome and Fibromyalgia and/or somatoform disorder and have chronic insomnia. In the past I had a problem with depression that manifested as sadness and later as anger. I still have issues with anger sometimes from the PTSD, but most people wouldn’t know it, unless they see my Facebook posts in which I lash out at some family members who I believe out of ignorance spied on me and subjected me to psychological torture for suspected drug use (and indeed I had been taking drugs for a few months), as well as suspected malingering. The real or imagined spy operation eventually led to my diagnosis of schizophrenia, which may be a misdiagnosis. I believe family, former neighbors who wanted me out the apartment complex for being a so-called “nuisance neighbor”, apartment management, the maintenance guy, and some family members of my controlling ex-husband were all involved in the alleged spy operation. I actually have a blog named “The Deep End Northwest” which includes a page with posts about the spy operation or schizophrenic episode, named “The Privacy Invasion Collection”, in addition to some pages discussing some leftist-leaning socio-political issues and mass consumerism.
I take Neurontin for Fibromyalgia and anxiety, Prozac for Fibromyalgia and depression, Risperidone to help with hypomania (which I started taking due to the Schizophrenia diagnosis and continue to take for hypomania), Amitriptyline to help prevent migraines, Xanax to help me sleep, Montelukast for hay fever, Flonase & Cetirizine to help with allergies, as well as Thera Tears and some kind of eye drops. Occasionally I take Sumatriptan for migraines.
I am currently attending the Evergreen Club through Frontier Behavioral Health in which I do unit work in the business unit such as working on some of the PowerPoint presentations, Facebook posts, and phones, plus I am involved in committee work. Additionally, I attend social activities with the Supportive Living Program (which I prefer to the social activities at the Evergreen Club) and am receiving counseling through Frontier Behavioral Health, in which we’re going to be focusing on systematic desensitization to prepare me for public speaking, engaging with the greater community, and pursuing a lengthy court battle with the potential for negative publicity as I intend to pursue litigation against my alleged spies. Although I was diagnosed with schizophrenia, a couple of counselors at Frontier Behavioral Health and a few friends believe it’s possible I really WAS spied on. I’m extremely terrified of suffering under the stress of a lengthy court battle as well as the stress of any negative publicity I might receive. I also plan to start attending a couple of groups at Frontier Behavioral Health: one for anxiety and one on emotional expression & reflection, called “Rise Up!” based on the book “Rising Strong” by Brene Brown, PhD and LMSW.
I’m currently working on preparing a case report in which I’ll be sharing my whole story as well as laying out circumstantial evidence to present to a legal team in the hopes that they will further investigate my case and help me bring my alleged spies to justice as well as help me receive substantial compensation for months of illegal spying in my home along with psychological torture as they said a lot of cruel things to me. The alleged privacy invasion lasted for quite a few months.
I am an aspiring writer and speaker and started attending a few writing group sessions on Zoom available through Spark Central Library, a nonprofit library in Spokane. Now the group is meeting in person, and I keep skipping out on it, due in part to my anxiety as the last time I was in group it triggered my anxiety and my muscles got really tense and knotted up.
I plan to begin sharing my story of recovery through the Evergreen Club to civic organizations in Spokane for the Public Relations committee, in hopes that some civic organizations will speak well of us to area businesses, as we need to gain additional transitional employment positions in the community to be in compliance with Clubhouse International standards. This is important because Clubhouse International provides us with our accreditation. Others from the Evergreen Club will be sharing their stories to civic organizations as well. Systematic desensitization, including speaking to occupational students here at E.W.U. should help with my anxiety about speaking and sharing my personal story with others and further help prepare me for the fight of my life in court and in the public arena.
One of the committees I’m on at The Evergreen Club is the Social Justice committee. This provides me with meaningful work, and providing meaningful work is a key component of Clubhouse International, of which The Evergreen Club is part of. Furthermore, I have a history of civic engagement in the community. In the past I helped organize Service-Learning fairs for SCC as an AmeriCorps Vista project coordinator and sustainability-related events for the SCC Hagan Center for the Humanities. I resigned due to severe pain and fatigue, and it was a few years later that I experienced a real or imagined spy operation that left me feeling traumatized and led to my diagnosis of PTSD.
This is the agenda I came up with based on the SOLVED application, a Dialectical Behavioral Therapy tool for problem solving. My problem is that I believe I was spied and subjected to torture, and I want justice. I discussed this agenda with my counselor, who seemed supportive.
Continue to work on my case report. Demonstrate a motive. Show the who, what, when, where, and why. Examine the character and history of some of my alleged spies.
Work on systematic desensitization with Stephanie A.
Prove my competencies to others and document them in my case report. Look for opportunities to build and demonstrate competencies, especially in the areas of written communication, oral communication, relationship-building, collaboration, organizing, and other tasks. Demonstrate ability to organize thoughts, offer editorial advice (which I did for the EGC self-study), etc.
Presentations for The Evergreen Club (EGC):
Present to the Spokane Homeless Coalition.
Present to other area agencies and civic organizations.
Perform speaking tours for the EGC in which I share parts of my personal story (although there will be parts of my story that I WON’T be sharing publicly).
Consumer Educator Position for the Eastern Washington University (E.W.U.) occupational therapy program (limited, contractual employment).
Publications @ EGC.
Writing group (when I’m ready).
Eventually: Work with Spokane group MAC (first focus on other committee work and presentations for EGC).
Gain competency on speaking both through practice, and by learning speaking skills.
Show my case report to other individuals and ask them if they believe I was possibly subject to a real spy operation. Ask for a letter indicating whether or not they believe it’s possible I really was spied on, including talking points discussing their opinion with supportive evidence. Ask Stephanie A, MJ @ EGC, Laurel @ EGC, Rex @ EGC, Diana @ EWU, Rachael A., Chris Snell, Elaine Terdal, Elizabeth Ross, Orion Moon, Sean McKelvey, Kristen, agencies, reporters, and journalists. Have a sit-down meeting with Stephanie A, MJ of EGC, Laurel White of EGC, Rexanne of EGC, as well a couple of counselors who believed it was possible that I was spied on, to review my case report and interview me.
Collect letters of support.
Show my case report along with letters of support to a legal team and ask that they further investigate by looking into phone calls and talking to people. Ask them if they can hire a psychologist or psychiatrist with a PhD to sit down with me, review my case report and my medical records to determine if they believe it was possible that I was spied on.
Address anxiety about potential publicity by seeking moral support from others. Gradually share more of my story to certain individuals and in group (though asking my group leaders not to document everything I share). Ask agencies that will be sympathetic to my cause for moral support as well if/when my case goes to trial and during any potential publicity via the press and social media that results.
During times of negative publicity (assuming there is negative publicity), reach out to people who have pledged moral support.
Be sure to celebrate my progress including small action steps towards my goal. Post my celebrations on Facebook.
On the way to the bus stop, following my counseling appointment, I came across a couple of police on bicycles, who were riding around in the parking lot of Seven Eleven, at the corner of 2nd Avenue & Division in Spokane, Washington. As I continued to walk, they started following some guy. They didn’t seize the guy or force him on the ground or anything, but they were trying to direct him to turn. So, I decided to follow and make sure the cops didn’t get violent, as the guy was totally nonviolent. I had to keep turning the corner to follow them, and at some point I had to run a little, in my denim skirt with a bell-shaped bottom which folded up in the middle, my lavender long-sleeved hippy shirt w/ a couple of buttons, my green and white flowered bandana tied around my head like a headband, and my big red-framed sunglasses and mask blocking my face (it was 50’s, 60’s, & 70’s day at The Evergreen Club). I kept up for a while and happened upon my niece Katie’s x-boyfriend Justin, who I had seen earlier in the day on my way to the counseling appointment, on a litter-filled street near the mental health buildings and the House of Charity shelter for men. So, I stopped to say hello to Justin. I don’t know how he recognized me earlier in the day, come to think of it, underneath the mask and the sunglasses. He must have recognized my voice. He had asked to buy a cigarette earlier and I offered to give him one. He said he liked my outfit. Then he said, “Are you Myra?” and I was like “Yeah.” I didn’t recognize him immediately. I hadn’t seen him since maybe 2012 when him and Katie were together and lived with me and my ex-boyfriend Adam for a month, so I was like “Who are you?” He said “Justin.” I was like, oh wow, Katie’s ex-boyfriend. He was doing some work on his old car and his hands were all greasy. He presents as super nice, but this guy, when he got back into meth years ago, he got to the point where he was selling black-market AK47s. So, you know, he’s kinda dangerous. I wasn’t afraid of him though. The way it works on the street, generally, is that so long as you don’t fuck with someone, they won’t fuck with you. Now, narcing on someone is dangerous. That can get you beat up or even killed. But Justin was being nice and pleasant and had no reason to fuck with me, so I wasn’t afraid. And he didn’t seem manic or anything. If he was on drugs, I couldn’t tell. Anyway, when I saw him earlier, I didn’t say much as I told him I had to hurry off to my appointment. About 1 ½ hours later, when I coincidentally saw him again, I stopped and chatted for a bit. I told him I had been following the police to make sure they didn’t hurt anyone. If they did, I planned to film it. That’s how George Floyd’s perpetrator got busted. It was all caught on tape. So, I told Justin this, and told him to keep an eye on the cops. He said he would. He told me that a man outside the House of Charity had gotten shot by a police officer 17 times, after pulling out some sword or something. Yeah, so that guy died. There was nothing to see today, however. No news is good news! Anyway, the 2nd time I saw Justin, he started talking about his car and some car part. That’s when he lost me, and it was hot outside, and I was sweating in my long-sleeve blouse, so I told him I had to jet off to catch my bus. I went to the wrong bus stop (the bus was on detour), but I did see the police circling around in some parking lot. Then I caught the bus and that was the end of my adventure. I guess I’m not much of a street journalist, because there was nothing to report! Oh, but I did do my TOTALLY brave thing for the day, my “alternate rebellion” as they say in Dialectical Behavioral Therapy treatment for treating addiction.
My friend and former business partner, Sean McKelvey, thinks if I pursue legal justice against my alleged spies and get them put in prison, that I’m no better then them. The way I see it though, is that they were threatening to send ME off to prison, so I want to turn the tables around on them and threaten to send THEIR sorry asses off to prison and use the law their care so fucking much about against THEM! Besides, if I pursued street justice, I would be the one who would end up in prison, and society wouldn’t learn an important lesson, being that it’s NEVER okay to violate someone’s constitutional privacy rights AND it’s NEVER okay to terrorize and psychologically torture someone. I don’t care WHAT you suspect they’re doing in the privacy of their own home. I don’t care WHAT you heard about them. I don’t care what they actually ARE doing in the privacy of their own home. We ALL have fucking rights, damn it. And they were so hell-bent on trying to prove that I was malingering, telling me what great SPEAKING and THINKING skills I had. Damn it, I was great at speaking because I was so goddamn passionate about my fucking RIGHTS. I was ANGRY! I was on FIRE! Also, I wasn’t on stage in front of a live audience, so I didn’t have stage fright, and I had grown accustomed to their presence. When I was lecturing them, I was doing it from the HEART! That’s why my “speeches” I gave them were so goddamn powerful! I’m not simply in this to teach THEM a powerful lesson, I’m in this to teach SOCIETY a fucking lesson! That’s why this is so important to me. This is everything to me. This is URGENT! I’ll put my “speaking” skills and “thinking” skills to work to prove that THEY are indeed the REAL criminals!
For the record, Sean thought it would be justice enough to write and publish a book about their abusive behavior. But I disagree. It isn’t enough for their crimes against me. And I’m not one to pursue street justice anyway. That was never an option for me. By the way, Sean said there’s no WAY I’m schizophrenic. He believes I was spied on. And they had their reasons.
Six years ago, someone wanted to know if I was civil rights minded. I didn’t understand why she was asking that. But now I get it! I finally made the mental connection. And YES, actually, I AM civil rights minded, and that should TERRIFY her to death. In fact, I hope she loses sleep at night over it! I’m civil rights minded to the CORE. She and others put the wrong person to the test! I WILL speak out. I WILL sue! I WON’T cower to any intimidation tactics. I am STRONG. I may be suffering from anxiety-related pain, but that’s not going to stop me! I learned about some strong people in my classes at Eastern Washington University and I KNEW people who were strong and proud. I absorbed their strength. I didn’t know what I was going to do with it, but I wanted to do something to help create a better world. I focused on the environment for a while. I focused on antiwar protesting for a while. But it wasn’t until this THING happened to me, that my true colors really shined. THIS was it, my big test, to see if I could stand my ground and to see if I would resist or follow the path of least resistance. This inner battle continued on after the event, as well as the question remained: how would I share my experience without sounding like I’d totally checked out of reality for a long minute? Or trying to explain the “why” of why they did this to me. They had their reasons. They had legitimate reasons, but that’s not an excuse for what they did. I won’t say at this point what their reasons were. But trust me, they had their reasons.
When I learned about triggers in a Frontier Behavioral Health group, I thought the point of us learning about triggers is so that we could AVOID triggers, but apparently, it’s so we can be better equipped to handle our triggers. I want to go into public speaking but am imagining bad-case scenarios and of course the worst-case scenario imaginable. There is not much I can do to prepare for the worst case, which would involve receiving negative publicity and being tortured and burned to death by some crazy white supremacist, except perhaps to prepare to approach it through meditation and guided imagery. I once read about someone who was able to undergo surgery without anesthesia or pain medication because he was THAT effective at meditation. That’s some MAD skillz! I know in anxiety group they warn against “catastrophizing”, but I have good reason to believe that I could be further targeted and become a victim of a hate crime a second time around. I don’t want to back down, though. I SHOULDN’T back down. Others out there that have come before me have braved some insanely serious potential threats but did what they believed was the RIGHT thing to do for the betterment of society, despite the risks. Some have died for what they believed in but didn’t let death threats get the best of them and refused to back down. They died, but they died for a CAUSE. I survived through psychological torture, but physical torture is another beast, and hopefully I won’t have to come face to face with it. Torture should NEVER happen, psychological OR physical. What happened at Abu Ghraib was UNTHINKABLE, regardless of whether any of the suspects were or weren’t terrorists. It was sick and morally repulsive. My alleged spies didn’t use the same exact psychological torture techniques, but it was torture, nonetheless. Torture is against international law. Does that include psychological torture? And what if the torture is done by outlaws and not by the government, as I believe was the case with me? Is it still against international law THEN? Remember, it was in Spokane, WA where there existed the psychologists who were behind the psychological torture interrogation practices experimented with at Abu Ghraib. THEY invented those techniques. Spokane is the city I call home, and it is the very same city I believe I was spied on by a vigilante “justice mob” consisting of primarily neighbors and family who thought up some “lovely” torture techniques of their own to try out on me.
I tend to think of myself as nonjudgmental. Ya know, accepting and respectful of all human beings. But upon reflection, I’m realizing we’re ALL disapproving of others. I tend to be hypercritical of those I see as cruel towards some people. The snobs in society. Judge Judy drives me crazy the way she rudely nitpicks at certain individuals.
So, I try to be accepting of all people. We’re all different. I had a friend who drove me nuts, she was so judgmental. But she couldn’t, she wouldn’t let go of me as a friend, and I didn’t want to tell her straight up that she was goddam ignorant; I didn’t know how she’d take it. But she had something to say about everyone, including the homeless people outside her apartment building. That, despite the fact that I first met her when we were staying at the shelter. But she considers that different than living on the streets. I finally let her go…
You know, most people are alright. Well actually, peasants on the street can be just as judgmental as anyone. The gossip about others never ends, no matter what circle of humans you find yourself in.
There is a lady that I sometimes see at the bus plaza and on the bus though that I’m curious about, and have a hard time not checking out her growing outfit, as she continues to add more and more layers of frills to it, made from cut up brightly colored fabrics. I saw her recently on a hot summer day, and my how her floral garden had grown! She must attract a lot of bees. I mean, she’s interesting, that’s for sure – a walking piece of art. But I wonder, how often does she disassemble and reassemble her getup? Or does she sleep in it? She doesn’t smell bad, not that I’ve noticed, so surely, she’s taking showers. How long does it take to take off all those layers of frills and how long does it take to put them back on? Or do the ruffles stay on her jeans and shirt that she can just pull them off in a cinch? So yeah, I try not to pass judgment on her. But she’s certainly an exhibitionist and I don’t know how she can stand the summer heat in all those layers. I saw her during the record heat wave that just hit the Pacific Northwest and she was still covered in layer upon layer of frills. I’m not so curious about her, however, that I’m gonna sneak into her home and set up spy cameras to find out what her daily habits are like. That is something I’D never do.
Her outfit actually, now that I think of it, reminds me of my crazy junk-based 3D art projects that started budding and blossoming in my apartment – spreading out across my living room like wild strawberries run amuck – during the few short months when I was doing meth, before my siblings and neighbors got super curious about me, so inquisitive about me that I believe they DID put spy cameras in my home. I also remember when I was playing dress up to entertain, cheer up, and energize myself, as well as sometimes dressing up for my boyfriend. I had cut up fabrics and concocted some wild, sexy ensembles. Normally though I didn’t go out dressed super crazy. But come to think of it, one time I did. This was during my post drug-days (which was a short-lived time for me), when I thought I was being spied on, and I was determined to let it leak to the public that my 4th amendment constitutional privacy rights were being violated. I wore some kind of crazy getup. I wish I could remember what it looked like. All I can recollect is I had a collage duct taped to my outfit made from some issues of The Finger, which was an underground zine some friends and I put together. Well, I only worked on the Finger for three issues, actually. I believe I was also wearing a denim jacket with “Report Privacy Invasion! Call Crime Check!” along with Crime Check’s local phone number, even though I wasn’t really the biggest fan of “law & order.” Anyway, I went out clad like a spectacle, hoping to draw interest to my cause (my resistance to privacy invasion). I thought if I could attract attention, perhaps someone would investigate and discover that I was being spied on. I also had produced signs on blank paper using colorful sharpies and doodling that I taped to my apartment window facing a distant parking lot, in the hopes that someone would see the signs and take out binoculars to read them and view my battle for privacy rights. The regional manager told me to take the signs down as I was “defacing” the building, and I protested, insisting that I was being spied on and it was my cry for help.
Another time I crafted a huge sign and dressed up in an interesting – albeit not as spectacular as the getup I wore to my outing – outfit and started chanting “Psychological torture is against international law!” outside. A lady passing by asked me what it was all about, and I told her some people were spying on me and putting me through psychological torture. She responded with something like “Well, good luck!”
I do recall dressing slightly odd when I was in high school, and later when I was attending E.W.U. I was a radical Spokane cheerleader, against war, and had been inspired to “wear my art” by spoken-word artist Alix Olsen. But my outfits were NOTHING compared to this lady with piles upon piles of colorful frills decorating her underclothes, which remain on her regardless of the weather. I mean, someone I saw at a Mead High School reunion did comment that she liked the clothes I wore in high school, which just meant she thought my garments were “interesting”, but this was a high school with a bunch of rich preppy snobs and it didn’t take much imagination to be “different” at that school.
There was a time when my friend Orion and I ventured out, decked out in costume to distribute copies of the first ever issue of The Finger (with a middle finger printed on the front page pointed at an image of The Spokesman Review) in FRONT of The very same Spokesman Review. It was my idea to dress up initially, and I wore some kind of outfit with the bottom half of my bridesmaid dress from a friend’s wedding. It was a two-piece bridesmaid dress with a full long skirt; pastel lilac colored with metallic beads attached. I can’t remember the rest of the outfit, but I definitely remember what Orion put together. I have no idea how he did this, but somehow, he was a two-sided man. On one side he was wearing a white wife-beater ribbed tank top with red and white polka dot boxers, and on the other side he was dressed up like a 1930s businessman. He’s a true artist and did a fantastic job putting together that ensemble!
There was another time during the alleged spy operation, when I was hoping to attract FBI attention in hopes that they’d investigate my outlaw vigilante spies. I painted “DRUGS” with acrylic paint in loud colors and large print (maybe red and black? Can’t remember) on a canvas bag. I was walking near the federal building downtown. I don’t know why I thought they might be interested in helping a radical leftist out who had also been a suspected and actual drug user. I mean, they really don’t care at all about us. The feds and police let somethings slide, while inventing reasons to put more people of color, radicals, and drug users behind bars. I’m white but I had been a radical who had probably drawn at least a little bit of FBI attention in the past (well one friend though I probably had an FBI file based on what all I posted on Facebook). I was quickly becoming a temporary non-leftist however as instead of wanting a world without prison, I wanted to send a bunch of people to prison who I thought spied on me. But I reasoned we could let most everyone else outta jail!
So I guess I’ve been known to draw attention myself, although nowadays I go out dressed like a total “normal” person. You wouldn’t guess I ever had a wild streak from my current attire. Well maybe on occasion I sport a neat black & white bandana, but that’s about it. And I’m glad my junk-based art collection and scrap collection aren’t expanding exponentially and consuming my home. It’s good I’m writing instead. Although I must say, my new collection of hand-written journals IS increasing. They don’t take up as much space as my gigantic art projects, my years of accumulated paperwork, and my enormous book collection. But they do take up space. I might get around to scanning them someday to my PC, but then they’ll hog up digital space, and I’d need a roomier external drive, or an extra one. Eventually the external drives would pile up and invade my living room space!
Anyway, so yeah, I’m against judging and yet I judge people who judge, as well as notice some oddballs of society, but you know, some people really do deserve to be judged. Like white supremacists who murder black people. And x-husbands who forcibly budge their way into their ex-wives’ homes to look through the cupboards. Hell yeah, I’m gonna judge them! I’m gonna judge the fucking daylights out of them!
Speaking about people being judgmental; my sister Karrie recently called me a “nut bag” for accusing my siblings of having once spied on me. That ignorant fucking piece of shit bitch! It is NEVER okay to call someone a “nut bag”!
So now we’re calling drug addiction a “mental illness” and forcing people on it to go to rehab. Fuck you, I’m not mentally ill for being a recovering addict. I mean I guess calling it mental illness is better than throwing us all in prison to rot for years; call it whatever you want. Not that being a person with a mental illness is a bad thing, but it should be noted that homosexuality was once considered a “mental illness” and that’s an insult to the LGBTQA+ community. Now, I’m not equating addiction with being a member of the queer community. They’re completely two different things, and addictions can definitely cause problem, but the list of addictions out there are endless, and some are legal but equally or even more destructive (such as consumer madness that’s totally wiping out our planet). But no one calls shopaholics “mentally ill” unless they sometimes suffer from mania. I don’t have schizophrenia either. My siblings and some neighbors and a few others just thought I was some malingering druggie radical with ambitions to be in a leftist militia. Well, I wasn’t malingering actually, but I did do drugs for a while because that treated the chronic fatigue and pain, and I just might have had enough energy to achieve my big dreams of joining a leftist militia and helping to abolish capitalism. But I WASN’T malingering. I couldn’t work due to pain and fatigue. I was forced to face my limitations. And I fucking HATE facing my limitations. I’m a dreamer; there’s millions of things I’d like to do. Like founding a nonprofit that does D.I.Y. video work, D.I.Y. desktop publishing, D.I.Y. acting, D.I.Y. management, D.I.Y. EVERYTHING. But I was backing off from making any commitments out of fear of taking on too much and overdoing things, especially after reading some of the literature on Chronic Fatigue Syndrome & Fibromyalgia. But doing nothing was boring and it was totally depressing, so I tried drugs. Call my condition before drugs and sometime later post-drug use depression or somatoform disorder if you want, but don’t call it a fucking MENTAL HEALTH disorder. Don’t call it a behavioral health problem either. I find that equally offensive. It’s like saying there’s a problem with my behavior while at the same time telling me we live in a free fucking country! No, you’re only allowed to misbehave if you’re wealthy and get slaps on the wrist for your workers dying from unsafe conditions and oil leaks that destroy the environment, or for being a white supremacist that terrorizes the Black, LatinX, and Native communities. Fuck you!
Anyway, I’m not doing drugs now. Believe it or not, drug use isn’t allowed in my building or in my state (unless you call marijuana a drug, which still isn’t allowed in federally subsidized low-income housing due to federal law conflicting with state law (but don’t get started on state’s rights because that argument was once used by former slave-owners in the South bemoaning their “right” to enslave others).
Someday I’ll live in a housing unit and a state that allows drug use. And they won’t force us into treatment either and call us fucking “mentally ill.” So long as we’re not cooking meth in an apartment building and aren’t hurting anyone or guilty of gross abuse or negligence, including that of negligent abuse of babies in unchanged diapers, what’s the problem? Oh, and most of the violence that comes with the drug scene, is due to drugs being criminalized in the first place. Drug dealers are afraid of going to prison, so some of them murder narcs and rats, and anyone they’re suspicious of.
As far as most other drug-related crimes go, such as stealing and robbing to get money to pay for drugs, those problems would all go away if drugs were legal and free. And if you want to get treatment, that should be free too! Yeah, obviously if you’re not changing your babies diapers you should have your child taken away from you. If you’re beating up a partner because of your drug use, they should abandon you. I’m telling you though, that a lot of “behavioral issues” related to drug use is due to it being criminalized with a punishment of imprisonment, which by the way, due to an unfair criminal justice system targets ESPECIALLY Black, LatinX, and Native men!
It really irritates me that some people who seek positions in Social Work, whether as actual social workers or as AmeriCorps volunteers and/or other volunteers FROWN on the people they serve. A fellowette AmeriCorps Vista, who was doing her service at the Hope House women’s shelter, believed that there SHOULD be a religious mandate there, because some of the women “really needed God.” As a Godless person, this really annoyed me. I don’t think it’s right to shove God’s dick down ANYONE’S throat. Neither do I think it’s okay for the workers to judge homeless people as “inferior.” The Union Gospel for Mission also is judgmental towards drug & alcohol addiction and won’t give them a place to stay warm if they don’t pass a UA. People DIE from being stuck out in the cold at night! And an addiction is NOT a character flaw! One guy who helps out at City Gate makes negative comments, like “If you were REALLY hungry, you’d eat that!” Which he said to me because I didn’t want a bologna sandwich because I’m fucking VEGETARIAN! If you’re going to go into service to “help” other people, make sure you unlearn your ignorance first. Which reminds me…in Service-Learning our goal was to get students to volunteer and learn from their volunteering. Well, first they need to be educated to not fucking judge people. And unlearning ignorance is a time-consuming process. There’s no guarantees they will EVER unlearn their ignorance, so maybe we shouldn’t be trying to throw them into service like that! Unfortunately, a lot of social service work is left in the hands of the religious, who place a lot of moral judgements on others. Some of them are NEVER going to unlearn their ignorance! We need adequate government-funded shelter for ALL!
I realize that a lot of Asian women and women in general are against the hypersexualization of Asian women & other women. Understandably so. But the fact is, women of Asian descent, and other races as well, need income. If we want to discourage sex work, we need to provide for all our citizens and noncitizens. Everyone needs housing, food, and clean water, for themselves and their families. Some women (& men) can provide well for their families with sex work. Yes, they’re exploited, but so are Amazon workers and millions of other workers in the U.S. alone, thanks to a capitalist system that feeds off keeping us all desperate for jobs and overworked and underpaid. The vast majority of workers are exploited. We need to stop stigmatizing the jobs performed by others, including sex work. Of course, many women do sex work by force, which needs to be addressed. Some women and men due it due to drug addiction, which is an illness that needs to stop being criminalized. Some are “groomed” to be sex workers by others who want to get them hooked on drugs so they’ll perform sex work in exchange for drugs. That needs to be addressed. We should provide safely administered drugs for free to people suffering from addiction so they won’t feel forced to turn to the street to get their fix, and so they won’t use dirty needles either. Plus of course offer them free ongoing treatment that won’t interfere with their jobs and won’t put them at risk of homelessness. And lastly, all sex work should be decriminalized because it puts sex workers at risk for imprisonment and losing housing, and sex workers are disproportionately nonwhite due to our racist, capitalist system. The only thing that should be criminal is forcing people into sex work and grooming them to be sex workers.
In the weeks ahead we’ll examine in depth the local elements and public figures of right-wing movements that have become prominent in the region and nationally. While many of these organizations and causes have roots as deep as the initial European colonization of the Americas, the past decade has been fertile ground for the explosive growth of ideologies built upon religious fanaticism, paranoia, authoritarianism, and white supremacy. The election of the nation’s first Black president and subsequent antidemocratic backlash provoked the public emergence of virulent strains of hatred masquerading as “liberty”. As with any serious disease of the body politic it is important to understand the causes and symptoms alike, and we hope this series helps illuminate for our readers the parasitic growth of these ideologies upon the margins of our communities.
Four essential threads run through contemporary American far right movements, and these are interwoven to the extent that it’s increasingly unlikely to see an individual group or protest in which one of these threads is absent. I’ll introduce each in the sequence they’ll appear over the course of this series:
Christian Nationalism, also referred to as Dominionism, is an increasingly ubiquitous feature of American far right movements, and is a common indicator of participation in movement causes without specific religious aspects. Dominionists operate on the notion that Christ has commanded them to seize the organs of government, law, education, popular culture, and more with the aim of imposing what they view as God’s law upon the United States and ultimately on the entirety of human civilization. This fringe approach to Christianity is generally inconsistent with that of mainstream believers, just as much as the extremist elements of other religious traditions are unrepresentative of those faiths. Dominionist thought and strategy is found among Evangelicals and Roman Catholics alike, and has spread insidiously among low-information believers who often have little understanding of the tenets of their own faith. The corrupt focus on domination, subjugation, confrontation, and even violence appeals to adherents and nonbelievers alike who are attracted to these approaches, and is the primary interconnection with our remaining threads.
Conspiracy Theorism, once called the paranoid style in American politics by Richard Hofstadter, is a burgeoning element of many far right groups. The phenomenal growth of the Trump-centric Qanon (“Q”) movement is effectively exponential, mirroring the development of any number of religions, past or present. The general public climate of the past decade has fostered the growth and popularity of conspiracy theories, loosely defined as (irrational) beliefs in hidden but powerful organizations and individuals which supposedly control and shape the course of human events outside of public view. Declining education, anti-intellectualism, white supremacist backlash to the Obama era, widespread use of social media platforms, the reality-warping presidency of Trump, and ever widening socioeconomic inequality are but a few factors that have helped propagate a new dark age of unreason. Within each of the movements we’ll consider here, at least one significant conspiratorial claim can be found.
In recent years, and especially recent weeks, Americans have witnessed their own government very publicly take on the very attributes and policies of the fascist regimes the nation once ostensibly opposed. While authoritarianism has been present in US society for centuries in quite real and pernicious forms, it is now embraced wholeheartedly by American far right leaders and movements (and the roughly one third of the population supporting them). Numerous quasi-military operations have sprung up in law enforcement and civilian spheres alike, and at the fringes a genuinely seditious movement which hopes to spark a new civil war. The worship of firearms in US society binds these disparate groups as well. Even among the rank-and-file of American police departments, it is all too common to witness open, abhorrent favoritism toward right wing protesters and paramilitaries during public demonstrations. Naturally, these public and institutional authoritarian leanings lead us to the final thread this series will explore.
The vastly overdue conflagration ignited by the brutal murders of Breonna Taylor, George Floyd, and so many other Black citizens has cast a harsh light on the white supremacy that is root and branch of the American right (and much of America itself). Far right movements in the US attempt to disavow their own evident racism on occasion, but of all the ties that bind them this is the oldest and the key. Fear and hatred of others galvanizes and unifies these movements, and behind those raw emotions is the terror that the dominance, power, and privilege conferred by white supremacy will be lost. We hope to in some small way add to the spotlight glare being thrown on racism in this country by examining regional expressions of these behaviors, ideologies, and movements.
Misogyny, homophobia, and transphobia are far from beyond the scope of a thorough examination of far right movement attitudes and ideology. The upcoming article focusing on religious aspects of these groups covers these poisonous hatreds in considerable detail. It is worth noting that much like systemic racism, these issues are so prevalent in broader society that they’re very much worth reflecting upon independently.
I want to believe that Joe Biden will be measurably better than Donald Trump; I sincerely do. It’s just, history and his voting record have already told me it isn’t too likely. Sure, he could sound more professional in speeches, and would make less errors or gaffes in, said speeches (only less though, cause he seems to love shoving his foot in his mouth, fairly often, as well,). It would pretty much stop at speech though.
The best example of this is his utter refusal to defund the police. I understand why he won’t, and no, it ain’t got a damn thing to do with public safety or crime. It has everything to do with him being the co-author of the 1986 crime bill, which further militarized police departments, and ramped up the racist and classist “War on Drugs,” to a fever pitch.
This bill was nothing more than a bridge to build a new industrial complex in America for corporations and the rich to benefit off of, as the Cold War, was, at this point; fairly clearly, coming to an end. Out with the Military Industrial Complex and in with the Prison Industrial Complex, instead. I say it was nothing more than that because all data and research of that era show massive declines, nationally, in violent crime; while politicians like Biden were more inclined to believe Reagan era propaganda, and make the safe political move, as opposed to the one that’s fact based and helps a larger demographic of the population.
Of course this is just one of many, corporatist, one could even argue, vaguely racist and classist political decisions Biden has made through the years; however, given the climate we are currently in, certainly the most striking and pertinent example. How exactly is the man that helped ensure it would be us (the poor and minorities,) versus them (the police,)? It’s funny, in this article I started out with the intention of, begrudgingly, endorsing Joe Biden; given Trump’s recent descent into literal and outright fascism with his militaristic responses, and now secret federal policing of the protests.
As it turns out, though; I am not okay with utter hypocrisy, which is exactly what I’d be endorsing, by endorsing Joe Biden for the presidency. Fascism is fascism, no matter how friendly the face delivering it may be. Jerry Garcia once said; “Choosing the lesser of two evils, is still choosing evil.”
Learn to Swim Episode 5 & Drunkcast Show Episode 3
We couldn’t decide if we were recording an episode for the “Learn to Swim Show” or the “Drunkcast Show”, so this will be filed as both. In this episode we discuss criminal justice, racial justice, revolution, our authoritarian leader, mask-less Trump supporters, the supreme court, flag burning, and artificial insemination. Rated R for “Roasted!”
I don’t understand why many from USM (Uhuru Solidarity Movement) find it harder to recruit people identifying as “leftist” to their movement, which is to take a revolutionary stance against colonialism and capitalism, and for white people to work under the leadership of African leadership to demand reparations for the African community (currently being used for economic independence projects of The Black Power Blueprint). I know that some U.S. liberals are referred to as leftists, such as Bernie Sanders and AOC – who focus on reform projects such as increasing minimum wage and the Green New Deal – but leftists and especially leftists – include anarchists and socialists who are against colonialism, neocolonialism, racism, capitalism, environmental degradation, state violence, occupation of indigenous lands such as the Americas and Palestine, and imperialist wars. I know that some anarchists are into the idea of “no leadership” and thus no hierarchy, but I don’t understand why a lot of leftist socialists and leftist communists would be opposed to the idea of working under African leadership to eradicate the oppression of all people – especially that of indigenous peoples and Africans – who have been robbed of their labor and land.
I personally identify as a leftist and have joined USM. I still have lots to learn about the organization, but I find it perfectly logical for leftists to unite under African leadership – which, by the way, also fights for the rights of the world’s indigenous including the Indians of the Americas. I personally do support some reforms though, such as defunding the military and police, and decriminalizing drugs. And many in the USM believe that reforms just make it easier for people to accept western (and especially U.S.) imperialism. I will have to give that some serious thought, because I think it’s possible some reforms might actually empower liberals like Sanders and AOC and leftists to push for further reforms. Apparently though, Sanders and AOC still represent the establishment. And defunding the police is yet just another reform.
I did a lot of journaling when I was homeless. I will need to go back and read my notes when I am ready to write more extensively about being homeless. In a way, I was more privileged than many of the homeless people at the shelter in that I could go back and forth between my parents’ place in the country and the urban shelter located in downtown Washington. I had been through a lot of trauma though due to the spy operation I had been through. Fortunately I had a bus pass and could easily access the mental health system, which included the Evergreen Club where I could do light volunteer work in a comfortable environment and got to participate in groups at Frontier Behavioral Health which included art group. I wasn’t feeling particularly artistically inclined though, as I lost a lot of my creative energy when I went off of uppers. And I went off of the uppers due to the privacy invasion. So I guess that’s the “silver lining” of getting spied on, since my brain’s not going to become eroded by the toxic chemicals in meth, but I’m still angry about the psychological torture I experienced and plan to bring my former spies – including family, family of my exhusband, and former neighbors – to justice.
If we wear and eat clothing & food produced at low wages, then we’re living off of laborers who receive slave wages. However, if we can afford to wear and eat goods that are union-made & union-grown that reflect the true value of the goods, then we’re among the privileged in our capitalist society.
What we REALLY need to do, short of a socialist revolution, is subsidize (through increased taxation of the wealthy) union-made and union-grown organic sustainably-sourced goods. And we also need to purchase more used items, though that’s hard to do right now with a lot of second-hand stores closed due to the Coronavirus COVID-19. We also need to consume LESS and focus more on QUALITY goods produced & grown by union labor.
The Deep End Northwest… is a blog covering life, politics, and social issues such as anti-theism vs. religious supremacy, disease, hunger, global climate change & the environment, peace & war, capitalism vs. socialism, big business & worker’s rights, homelessness, mental illness & privacy issues, drug addiction, art, racism, reparations. LBTQA+ issues, gun rights & responsible ownership, legalization & decriminalization of recreational drugs , and more from a leftist perspective.
Update: We were going to go ahead and sell logo t-shirts as “essential products” but I changed my mind, and told my business partners that I just couldn’t do it. It just feels so wrong. I’m really frustrated with out was-going-to-be supplier. They had blank t-shirts available that were made in the U.S., however t-shirts printed with our logo would be printed outside of the U.S. with probably cheap labor. Even if clothing is made in the U.S. one has to do their research to make sure they’re not made with super-cheap prison labor, which is essentially slave wages. I also am frustrated with the supplier because they offer so-called eco-friendly products that are manufactured abroad using cheap labor and are shipped miles and miles around the globe, from the farming & picking of fibers and/or extraction & production of synthetic fibers to the weaving of fabrics, to the shipment abroad to where they are printed, then to where they are held in a warehouse for delivery, to the customer’s home to where they are finally shipped. If one considers all the gas & pollution that goes into shipping these products, then one can’t really consider them eco-friendly. I’m also frustrated with mass production and think people need to buy less new shit and more used items. The would-be supplier makes some items in the U.S. but not utilizing eco-friendly materials, so we’re stuck with a choice between the two. Another thing – they don’t have the option of Union-made & union-printed clothing. Additionally, if you manage to get clothes that are made from truly eco-friendly materials sourced locally using union-made labor & printing and are sold in a brick & mortar store (because shopping to individual addresses is bad for the environment), then you end up with a product that only a rich person can afford. Of course, the masses really need to be buying mostly used. We really need to transition to a primarily resale-based economy. The system we have is totally unsustainable and it leaves it up to the free market and free market consumers to make their own individual choices about what to produce and what to buy, when we’re faced with detrimental resource depletion and climate change that are an imminent danger to humans and other life on earth.
by Myra Sue St. Clair Baldwin
There are general considerations that sellers are supposedly supposed to make when deciding how to price stuff. Competition is supposed to be a biggie, that or going after a niche market. I say to hell with competitive pricing! How cheap SHOULD clothes be? Charging less just leads to more mass production, shipment of goods around the world, mass consumerism, and poor working conditions – including wage slavery, debt slavery, and downright slavery.
I grew up poor, so really I know what it’s like to not be able to afford something that others can. I blame society for this – for teaching us to want so much.
People should be encouraged to wear their clothes until they’re worn out, and to have their clothes patched and hemmed. The price for mending seems expensive because we’re so conditioned to cheap, sweatshop labor & underpaid cotton pickers. But poor people like me can buy a lot of our clothes used (which is more sustainable). Or we can save up for high quality clothes and wear them longer. We need of course to wear undergarments, and our undergarments should be sustainable too, and most of us don’t want to wear used underwear! Rich people should pay for our high-quality organic undergarments. We can call it “The Sustainable Underwear Bill”! Really, we should abolish poverty and wealth all together and work towards everyone having sustainable clothes, from head to toe. We need to produce, ship, and consume on a much lesser scale. But in the meantime, let’s make do with what we’ve got and scrap mass consumerism!
I’m trying to decide how much to charge for our promotional shirts, and I think $21 plus tax and shipping for t-shirts made & printed in the USA will be a good deal, and will let us make some money without selling lots and lots of t-shirts. I’d rather us think small and sell small and stand up tall!
I’m waiting to hear back from my business partners on this matter. We won’t be selling any of our nonessential products at all until this COVID-19 crisis is over because delivering packages puts the lives of others at risk and for the most part people can live with the clothes they already have. Unless they’re gaining weight, like me, or losing weight. I guess when I have to get clothes that fit then I’ll absolutely do that. But I think there’s plenty of clothing dealers out there, that the world isn’t in absolute need of our logo t-shirts. The world can wait!
I heard back from my co-founders and they agreed that $21 was a good base-line price for a t-shirt made in the U.S.A. and that we shouldn’t go any lower than that. Unfortunately our supplier doesn’t sell clothes that are BOTH sustainable and made in the U.S.A. (or preferably union-made). We’re just starting out, so the supplier we’re using makes good business sense because we don’t have to buy a whole inventory of products, our supplier will do the shipping for us, and there are no up-front costs.
If you want to shop sustainably, you might want to consider buying at least half of your clothes from a brick & mortar thrift store in your area. Other than that, be choosy who you shop from; make sure that the branded clothing you wear represents what you really believe in and want to support, and wear your clothes till they’re rags & use the rags for cleaning. I hope you will wear our t-shirts with pride, knowing that we stand with leftists worldwide for a better future tomorrow.
Last week I wrote about Bayard Rustin; an essential figure in the civil rights movement, who seems basically left behind and forgotten by our history books. Unfortunately, there are a whole slew of activists that were instrumental in ushering necessary change into American society – when it needed it most – that are strangely (and suspiciously, may I add) left out of our history books. This week, I want to place a special spotlight on Kwame Ture aka Stokely Carmichael; another shining example of someone incredibly important yet seemingly left out of history, altogether.
Kwame Ture was born Stokely Carmichael in Trinidad in 1941. He moved and resided in the United States of America from the age of 11 until his eventual exile from the states, which came later in his life. He was exiled after years of activism and academic critique of the U.S. American system that still greatly oppressed himself and basically, any and all other members of his race, at the time, anyway. Stokely Carmichael, was a very passionate and intelligent civil rights activist, who took a more controversial stance than other groups. He was certainly more in line with the Black Panthers and Malcolm X, when he said; “By any means necessary…” than others touting the idea of complete nonviolence, and simply turning the other cheek, so to speak. He was also instrumental in popularizing the Black Power movement, domestically, here in the United States. He was a vehement anti-imperialist who was also a prominent figure globally in the Pan-African movement.
He began developing the Black Power movement, and while he led the Student Nonviolent Coordinating Committee (SNCC), he continued developing and spreading the ideals of the Black Power movement as “Honorary Prime Minister,” of the Black Panther Party. He also led the All African People’s Revolutionary Party. Ture was involved with and in the Freedom Rides – working tirelessly with the aforementioned organizations – spending countless hours organizing, lecturing, writing, and protesting for civil rights over the course of his life.
All of that activism, unsurprisingly, made him a great target for J. Edgar Hoover and the FBI at the time; whom had also targeted Martin Luther King, Jr., Malcolm X and countless others in the movement, in this period of time. The COINTELPRO program was one the FBI had developed, at that time, to specifically target what they (typically, wrongfully) considered potentially “problematic” public figures, especially in the civil rights movement. One of the techniques used by COINTELPRO was called “bad-jacketing;” which was spreading disinformation campaigns amongst an organization, about an individual within the organization; specifically to falsely turn that organization against that individual. The FBI spread a disinformation campaign amongst the Black Panther Party that painted Ture as an FBI informant or snitch. This was shortly after he had been named the party’s “Honorary Prime Minister.” Hoover and the FBI targeted especially him, because they believed after Malcolm X’s assassination, he would be the next “black Messiah.” He ended up fleeing to Ghana to escape the FBI’s persecution of him; so he was really, de facto, exiled. He was also placed under CIA surveillance for years after leaving the States as a 2007, a declassified document stated.
After fleeing the US, he became the aide to the Guinean president Ahmed Sekou Toure, and was a student of Ghana’s exiled president Kwame Nkrumah (this is where he took the name Kwame Ture, as a way to honor the two African leaders). He continued writing, lecturing and traveling for years. He remained very active in activism in Africa and throughout the world, until his death in 1998. This is just a quick overview of the man’s life and achievements; there is so much more. I could spend pages writing about it; definitely worth looking up, if this article has interested you at all.
Here are the highlights from Orion Moon’s interview with Myra Sue St. Clair Baldwin of The Deep End Northwest. Orion interviewed Myra about the different stages of her life, including when she left her husband, opened a so-called Anarchist bookstore, helped with an underground newspaper, and endured privacy invasion or a schizophrenic episode.
Have you ever been evicted? No? You are missing out! Imagine someone telling you that you must move in the next three weeks. Wait! You only have 20 days; one day less than three weeks. Not quite three weekly paychecks! Or maybe you have to wait until the 3rd of the month for your $800 check to come in. That’s in 23 days because you got your notice out of blue on the 10th and there are 31 days in October. That means 24 days to payday. The landlord says you have been late with rent four times, but you have always paid the rent by the 5th and they never complained before. Why did they change this?
Nothing changed and now your whole life is being turned upside down and you just don’t know why you have to move. You are told that if you don’t move out in 20 days, you will be evicted! Your stuff, your belongings, your LIFE will be put on the sidewalk where anyone can grab it and any critter can dig through and ruin what is left of your life. You have lived there three, or five, or maybe even ten years and your landlord thinks you can just pick up your whole life and move it somewhere else in less than three weeks.
Who will help? You are disabled; that’s why you get a check on the 3rd. Why is your rent suddenly late on the 3rd? What did you do wrong? How can you fix it? You called the landlord, but they won’t answer the phone. You want/NEED to work something out cuz you can’t find another place to move to. There are no places to rent where your disability will fit. If you can’t find a place by the 30th, you will have to live on the streets – with your disability – without your stuff, your belongings, your life! The landlord is not negotiating, at all. Your comfortable, orderly life as you have known it will become chaos; freezing and dangerous. Your life will be hell! Why? Why is the landlord doing this? It makes no sense! They have gotten thousands of dollars from you over these last several years, doesn’t that mean something?
You have been a good tenant, quiet – haven’t made one complaint – but, they are telling you that you have to move. Why, why are they turning your life upside down? What gives them the right to make a human being homeless? What gives them the moral authority to ruin a person’s life? Why?
With February comes Black History Month. While I personally believe that “Black History” is indeed merely American history and am appalled that it seems to only get one out of twelve months to not only be focused on but acknowledged at all, since that’s how it is understood and presented in our cultural lexicon. Here is my (makes me uncomfortable to even say this) contribution. I will be writing a short series of articles, throughout the month that each cover a different leader of the black community. That is what I consider, more obscure or tragically unheard of black leaders, for their considerable and great contributions to the struggle for equality in America.
My first profile is of Bayard Rustin; arguably just as important as MLK in regards to the Civil Rights movement, yet suspiciously absent from history. There is a reason we don’t know Rustin’s name as we know MLK’s or Malcolm X’s. Rustin was an advocate for socialist democracy, and was also openly gay; at a time when just one of those could literally land you in jail. In fact, Rustin had actually been arrested and convicted of “sex perversion,” in Pasadena, CA in 1953 (“sex perversion,” was what California called, even consensual, same-sex relations). He served 60 days in jail for the conviction. This conviction would haunt him throughout his life, and was used by the racist opposition to his causes in an attempt to discredit him and his work.
Rustin was an incredibly accomplished Civil Rights leader, that operated mainly in the shadows for fear of his sexuality and political affiliations being used to discredit him and distract and detract from his causes. He helped organize and form the Journey of Reconciliation in 1947, which was the first of the Freedom Rides. He was arrested and served 22 days on a chain-gang in North Carolina for his participation in that. In 1948, he traveled to India to learn techniques of non-violent civil resistance, directly from the Gandhian movement that basically created those concepts and practices. In 1951 he formed the Committee to Support South African Resistance (which later, became the American Committee on Africa). Rustin would later use what he’d learned in India, to teach Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. the ways of non-violent resistance, which as we all know was one of the central tenets of King’s movement.
He served as an unidentified member of the American Friends Service Committee’s task force to write “Speak Truth to Power: A Quaker Search for an Alternative to Violence” in 1955. That essay was one of the most influential and commented upon expressions of pacifism in the United States. He remained anonymous for fear that his sexuality would be used by critics to invalidate the essay. Although he was open about his sexuality; he knew it would be something critics and opponents could latch onto and use to their advantage to discredit and demonize him and anything he lent his name to so, he often put the cause ahead of himself. That is incredibly admirable, and makes him a real American hero as far as I’m concerned.
His list of accomplishments is staggering; too long to even list here in all honesty, so I will close out my highlights of that list with what I believe to be his most recognizable and grandest achievement: he was the main organizer of the March on Washington for Jobs and Freedom in August, 1963. He was credited as the deputy to A. Philip Randolph for the March, but he did most of the planning for it. Other civil rights leaders didn’t want Rustin to be publicly recognized, so the skeletons in his closet that were always dug out and used against him by opposition leaders could not be used to discredit the movement because it was too important. Although, he wasn’t credited as he should have been by his fellow civil rights leaders; he still received credit as a “leader of the march,” because he was featured with A. Philip Randolph on the cover of Life Magazine, and in the story was given the credit he was due.
One last accomplishment I nearly forgot to mention that is crucial to acknowledge: he was awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom, which is the highest honor one can receive in our country, and clearly well deserved in his case. I only briefly summarized his life, career and achievements. Rustin did, much, much more over the course of his life; if this story has interested you, definitely look him up and witness the broad legacy of this often forgotten national treasure.
Bayard Rustin is one of many unsung American heroes. There are far too many men and women throughout American history that are either left out of or even erased from the history books, merely because something about who they are could be viewed as problematic. I believe it’s our patriotic duty to give these people the credit and acknowledgement they so deserved yet never widely received when it was certainly due.
On this particular day (Martin Luther King Jr. Day, to be exact) I feel that focusing, not only on his vision of racial equality to be prudent; but, especially given the newfound support for socialist leaning economic policy (the successful, thus far anyway, candidacies of Bernie Sanders and even Elizabeth Warren , to some extent): attention must be paid to King’s own ideals and words on economic equality and socialism, as well.
“I imagine you already know that I am much more socialistic in my economic theory than capitalistic…[Capitalism] started out with a noble and high motive… but like most human systems it fell victim to the very thing it was revolting against. So today capitalism has outlived its usefulness.” (Letter to Coretta Scott, July 18, 1952) This is just one of many of the great man’s anti-capitalist quotes, and leanings. King knew that there could be no reasonable expectation of any kind of equality without economic equality. Further, he also understood that said, economic equality could never and would never be ushered in by a capitalist system that profits obscenely off of inequality.
Of course we all revere and deeply respect his work and accomplishments, in regards to racial equality, in our country. I feel, though; his push for income equality and economic justice was just as important and goes very unsung and unnoticed, largely due to the vilification of socialism, or really, anything that challenges the capitalist status quo, driven by unbridled greed, income inequality, and higher and higher profit, at whatever cost, no matter how great or grave, said cost is. I also fear his untimely end had just as much to do with his unpopular with the ruling elite, opinions (and willingness to proclaim them publicly and loudly) on economic justice and equality, as it did with his ideals and words on racial equality. I can’t be certain, of this; but stranger things have certainly happened in the sordid history of our country, is really all I’m saying.
Today is a day for all Americans to reflect on the legacy King left us, and we would be very remiss, as a society to continue to ignore the big part socialism and being very critical of the inequalities of capitalism, King left us as actually a fairly large part, of his wonderful legacy. He knew, and wasn’t afraid to say, that our capitalist system was and still is one of the largest creators and sources of absolute societal inequality; at a time when it was incredibly dangerous to not only hold these views, but a possible literal target on your back to share these views publicly. And, this man, didn’t care and shared what he knew to be a fundamental truth, in regard to true equality, anyway. That is real courage, and is one of the reasons I celebrate today.
“The evils of capitalism are as real as the evils of militarism and the evils of racism.” (Speech to SCLC Board March 30, 1967) Please take some time to truly consider and think about what this great American hero had to say about the largest source of modern inequality, capitalism has become, on this day.
The Uhuru Solidarity Movement, created by the African People’s Socialist Party and Omali Yeshitela as a strategic component of the African Liberation Movement, goes into our white communities to win white solidarity with the African working class fighting for freedom, liberation, and global socialism in our lifetime. We get to participate in the global struggle of colonized people fighting back and winning against U.S. and European imperialism and global capitalism! This is the work to eradicate exploitation, oppression, and the brutal violence we see daily produced by a parasitic capitalist economic base, done in our names.
The African People’s Socialist Party lead by Chairman Omali Yeshitela has been waging intense and successful struggle to make reparations a household word since the mid 1970’s. The discussion today is being debated internationally. Both of the white ruling class parties in the United States and the European parliament are engaging in the reparations question. Only when African people’s entire future and development is restored and when the African working class governs their own land, lives, and resources will we be anywhere close to paying what is owed to African people.
November of 1982 The African People’s Socialist Party facilitated and organized the first; World Tribunal on Reparations to Africans in New York City. This was the first time the United States government has ever been put on trial. The Party organized the four-day long World Tribunal’s and presented the findings across the United States and Europe. An international panel of African judges decided on these four questions.
Is the United States guilty of genocide against African people in the U.S. as defined by the United Nations convention on the prevention and punishment of the crime of genocide?
Is the United States guilty of violation of the United Nations Charter as it relates to the U.S. treatment of Africans in the United States?
Is the United States guilty of violation of the spirit and intent of the International convention on the elimination of all forms of racial discrimination?
Is the United States guilty of violation of the spirit and intent of the International Bill of Human Rights?
In all four charges the court found the United States government guilty with unanimous decisions.
Many of us are aware of House Bill H.R 40 to merely get approval to conduct a study on reparations. Now that the Party has the topic of reparations trending in the media, this previously blocked bill by Nancy Pelosi is on the house floor and she is also now suddenly in favor of reparations to African people. The study was conducted extensively and ruled on in 1982 during The World Tribunals.
The Party views reparations as a revolutionary demand and part of the revolutionary struggle. As Chairman Yeshitela argued in the July, 1982 Burning Spear Newspaper “We can target U.S. imperialism in a way which will spread the struggle of the world’s peoples to the very center of imperialism itself…The World Tribunal will offer the peoples of the world an opportunity to strike back at U.S. imperialism from within, to contribute to the development of a revolutionary process within the U.S., which will be capable of eradicating the scourge of U.S. imperialism from the face of the earth.” https://www.theburningspear.com/2019/04/The-African-Peoples-Socialist-Party-made-reparations-a-household-topic
A decade before the World Tribunals for Reparations to Africans, the Party created the African People’s Solidarity Committee (APSC). The APSC is an arm of the Party consisting of white people who have dedicated their life’s work to the struggle of African liberation also known as cadre. When the Party made the call to white people in 1976 the first white person to step forward was, Penny Hess who is the Chairwoman of the APSC today and quoted below. The APSC is too extensive to delve into with this article. But the Party also created an organization for the masses of white people to unite with the freedom and victory of the African working class over parasitic global capitalism, this organization is the Uhuru Solidarity Movement (USM). USM consist of political organizers, aspiring Cadre and regular white people who unite with paying reparations and being members of the organization of white people who take the advanced revolutionary stance against capitalist, colonialist, white power imperialism that wreaks havoc on the majority of humanity and the planet. Some white people may not be able to study and/or do political organizing each day but they understand the incredible significance of paying what is owed to the legitimate representatives of the African working-class struggle to create global socialism. The Party, the APSC, and USM leadership appreciate and value the people above all else as the people are the makers and shapers of history and it is the people who provide saftey, protection, strength to the revolutionary struggle to completely overturn capitalist, colonialist white power imperialism.
African and colonized people will be free with or without white people, and reparations will be taken and paid in full. The Party has found it strategic to, instead of ignore white people, to win us to solidarity with the African Liberation Movement. The Party’s advanced revolutionary theory, African Internationalism, explains that we are not, “the devil” or “aliens” that we were starving and dying in barren, feudal Europe. Half of our population died in 4 short years to plague and we violently struck out at the rest of the world to solve our problems.
And with all of the above stated, the campaigns and institutions related to reparations and the two arms of the Party answering the question of what to do with white people are just a few pieces of the over 100 plus institutions, organizations, campaigns and programs of the African People’s Socialist Party’s body of work over the past 50 years. Over the last 3 years the Party has brilliantly run two white people of APSC and USM on electoral campaigns for public office with slogans like, Unity Through Reparations. The Party has an African woman who is a Party member, Eritha Akilé Cainion whose debates and interviews have gone viral on several occasions across social media. Her last campaign was with the slogan “Make the South Side Black Again”. The “Uhuru Candidates” as our candidates have been referred to have typically been the only candidates to also have actual political platforms in place. The Party understands that elections are only a non-violent rigged contest between sectors of the ruling class for control over the state, but these elections are a way to reach the masses and the Party takes up every opening to reach the people and bring revolutionary science and leadership to the forefront.
Members of the Sandinista National Liberation Front (FSLN) made a call to white people in the 1980’s, that if we support the revolutionary struggle of the Sandinistas the best way to do that is to support the African Liberation struggle right here inside the belly of the beast in this illegitimate settler colony called the United States. This rings true if we support the struggle in Bolivia, Haiti, Iran, Venezuela, Mexico, the people in concentration camps in this country referred to as “Indian reservations”, the people in border prisons, all oppressed people who are fighting back against global capitalist, colonial, white power imperialism. When Spokane members of the Uhuru Solidarity Movement are at our outreach tables in Riverfront park or at the Malls those outreach tables are directly connected to the Palestinian struggle, Bolivian struggle and the struggle of all oppressed people fighting back and winning power over their own land, lives, and resources against U.S. and European imperialism.
The African People’s Socialist Party has been fighting for and collecting reparations for decades! They have been building the institutions and organizing the capacity to be a self-governing people once again, in control of their own land, lives, and resources.
From Chairwoman of the African People’s Solidarity Committee, Penny Hess, in her book, Overturning the Culture of Violence: “We believe that the conditions exist to construct a genuinely internationalist movement among the North American population for the 1st time… Reparations, self criticism, acknowledgement are necessary. But this must be done in the process of changing real conditions in the real world…Everything that belongs to Africa must be returned; the money, the gold, the art, the skills, the materials, the people, the talents. In return, a world is created without the built-in tension brought about by the system of masters and slaves…We in the Uhuru Movement believe that the 21st century is dawning as a new era of liberation, and represents an end to a millennium of oppression and death. At the juncture that we unite in solidarity with the African Revolution, we cease to be voluntary agents of oppression, and we participate in building a hopeful future for all mankind, ourselves included. Uhuru!” – (Pg. 561-563)
Join this army! Join the Uhuru Solidarity Movement! Take a stand as a white person who takes responsibility and steps to the forefront of a bright future for humanity!
If you didn’t have time for the full-length video, here’s a shorter version with highlights that you can watch! On December 14th of 2019, Myra Sue shared her story about her schizophrenic episode or actual spy operation that she endured. She explained how she was civil rights minded, fought for the privacy rights of all people on the planet, was fighting for the rights of all women, and believed in the first amendment right of all U.S. American citizens (and ideally noncitizens) to associate freely, including identifying as a Communist or a Wiccan. Meanwhile, she heard voices and thought others were trying to violate her rights and put her through psychological torture.
She also shared her life story, including a strange church she went to as a child, working at McDonald’s, opening a leftist bookstore, attending college, writing for an underground paper called “The Finger”, making art from junk, and more.
Here’s an interesting story about dolls and demons from my past, and how that’s relevant to me now: In the 4th grade, I moved from Walla Walla, Washington to Spokane, Washington. I attended a small Christian church school (Church of God, Seventh Day) adjacent to the church we attended every Sabbath. There were only 13 students, and we each had our own cubicle facing the wall. One day I brought a doll to school, and was told that we weren’t allowed to have dolls at church, so I took my doll back home with me. I was told later that day that dolls can become possessed by demons. One teenager told me that the church took a bunch of dolls to the dump to get rid of them, and said that they heard the dolls in the back of the van talking.
I was very scared as I had dolls at home, and when I went home I threw away all of my Barbie dolls. I didn’t think about the doll-head plaque that was in the bedroom we shared with my mother (while my father was still living in Walla Walla). The next morning, my older sister, who would have been about 13 years old at the time, told me that the doll-head plaque was facing a different direction then when we went to sleep. I believed her and said we needed to throw it away. My sister then exclaimed that she heard the garbage can outside tip over in the middle of the night. I was really frightened, and feared that the dolls might walk back to our apartment. They didn’t.
Another thing the teenage girl at that school told me was that the church and church school were located on ancient Indian burial ground, and that their spirits were angry at us for having a church and church school located there and wanted us off their property. I believed her and was scared. I later forgot about it though, as I was young and easily distracted.
Soon after, the church changed its name to Church of Yahweh 7th Day, and the pastor and his wife started pressuring the church-goers to get baptized in the name of Yahweh as “God” was not the proper name to use, so their prior baptisms were therefore “invalid”. People started getting baptized in the name of Yahweh in a bathtub inside the church, including me (against my dad’s wishes).
When I grew up, I later became an atheist, anti-theist, and apostate and wrote an article for my community college newspaper (The SFCC Communicator), called “Let’s Go to Hell Together” in which I spoke out against a god that was vindictive and wasn’t worthy of worship. I also started speaking out against the colonial take-over of the Americas by non-Indians and the hateful genocide my white ancestors incurred.
Flash forward to 2015 when I developed schizophrenia (supposedly). Now some people believe that schizophrenics are actually possessed with “evil” spirits, which is a throw-back to the past. I believe that’s all nonsense. Also, if I actually was possessed by spirits when I was baptized, it would be the spirits of ancient American Indians. I wouldn’t call the spirits of ancient Indians “evil” but rather “justifiably angry.”
I don’t really believe in spirits though, and don’t know if any Native Americans were buried on the church grounds, but this story would make for a good film, in which angry ancient Indian spirits possess dolls and later possess the bodies of white people being baptized in the name of Yahweh on ancient Indian burial ground. This would later lead to me, a possessed white girl, later speaking out against our colonial past and the massive genocide of Native Americans and speaking in favor of American Indians regaining more of their land due to ignored treaties.
I’m hoping I’m not harmed by a white nationalist or neo-Nazi from Eastern Washington or North Idaho, who might actually believe that I am indeed possessed, by non-white spirits that they might consider to be “evil” and am not actually a schizophrenic or someone who was truly spied on. Only time will tell how much traffic my blog attracts and whether or not I attract negative, hateful attention. I’m already at risk due to being an atheist, anti-theist, and apostate. Right now, I don’t have a large audience, so I doubt these white nationalists and neo-Nazis will bother with me for the time being. But with time, it’s possible that my audience will grow and that I’ll be targeted.
Sometimes prominent figures speaking out against racism, capitalism, sexism and God become targeted. I hope to someday be a prominent figure, but don’t want to attract the attention of dangerous fascists. If someone does single me out though with threats or actual violence, they’ll only set me up as a martyr. They should consider that and back off and not fuck with this cunt-powered revolutionary commie!
Featuring Myra Sue St. Clair Baldwin and Orion Moon. Filmed by Karl Patterson of Patterson Productions. Not Rated.
Note: There is about 20 seconds of a blank screen before the video begins. This video has not yet been edited.
“The voices may have exaggerated my speaking skills and star power, but I’ve been told I was very brave to speak about my schizophrenic episode or spy operation. I may take speech and acting classes in the future to help me with this multi-media blog that I’ll be working on more with my new partner in crime, Orion Moon.
A few of the voices I heard in my apartment in the fall and winter of 2015 before becoming homeless exclaimed that I was “The one with all the star power!” and that I was “a real capable actress”. I didn’t realize at the time that the phrase “one with star power” is often used as an insult that means someone is being disingenuous.
Although the voices were often cruel, they did inspire me to want to be an actress, which was something I wanted to be when I was a child. When I became homeless, I dreamt of becoming a paid actress for The Spokane Civic Theatre, and looked up their upcoming plays on their website. I didn’t realize that actors for The Spokane Civic Theatre actually VOLUNTEER their time.
Here I am shown above with a copy of “A Streetcar Named Desire,” a play they were planning to show at the Spokane Civic Theatre a few years ago. I didn’t know if the women’s shelter would let me stay out late for rehearsals, and I didn’t know if I really had enough long-term energy to be an actress. I kinda thought being an actress might actually be energizing, at least for a while anyway. Maybe I’ll just do a video shoot with a friend sometime and perform short skits, and see if the voices were right about my potential as a bad-ass celebrity. I’d prefer being a celebrity for the Independent Film Channel or perhaps Netflix. Something edgy like the show “Orange is the New Black”!
The “Privacy Invasion Stunt” and My Descent into Homelessness The Fight for Privacy Rights for Every U.S. American Citizen! Written by Myra Sue St. Clair Baldwin Essay #1 (Introduction): A Carrie Brownstein Wannabe Tries on Different Hats!
Note: Essay #1 takes place mostly in the months leading up to me becoming homeless, while I was still residing in an apartment located in downtown Spokane, Washington. As part of this series, I will be writing about my experience with homelessness in an upcoming essay or essays. Prior to becoming homeless, I thought I was being spied on. After I lost my home, I wasn’t sure if a couple of them were still allegedly tracking me. I still think it’s possible that there was a real spy operation AND that I was also imagining some things. That is to say, that a real spy operation could have triggered my imagination, because some of the thoughts, such as believing at one point that some people had the technology to communicate with me telepathically, were clearly not real. I believe that a real spy operation may have triggered trauma-related thoughts in my head. I am writing this essay both for the people who I thought might have been spying on me, as well as a broader audience.
Forward:Thank you to all my many, many spies that gave me an experience worth writing about; making this essay (and possibly a whole collection of essays about privacy invasion and homelessness) possible, but no thank you for making my life miserable both during the spy operation and in the wake of it, when I was experiencing Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder from the ordeal, was obsessed with my memories of it, and feeling sad and angry!
I was planning on eventually writing a whole book about the single but long drawn-out schizophrenic episode or actual spy operation that I experienced, and also about becoming homeless one winter during a highly emotional imagined spy operation that interfered with my ability to get my jam-packed, low-income HUD (Housing and Urban Development) apartment cleaned up and organized to pass what would become multiple housing inspections. Annual inspections are required by HUD housing and I kept failing them, leading to subsequent inspections before I finally lost my home. Today, my language skills (which are typically impaired in schizophrenia) are pretty much intact, when not suffering from occasional brain fog associated with CFS (Chronic Fatigue Syndrome) from over-doing it (or maybe it’s cyclical anxiety & depression; perhaps both) so I believe I may indeed, with time, be able to write down a whole series of essays and publish them in a book. I actually believe my language skills were ALWAYS generally intact (with the exception of brain fog which came and went), even during the evidently – per most mental health professionals I saw – imagined spy operation. I’ll have to look through my “Cinderella Butt” (a reference to a nick-name I had during the imagined or real spy operation) collection of “Privacy Invasion” memorabilia and see what I can unearth to see how coherent my language use was during my experience of “Privacy Invasion”. I recall writing down some quotes of many of the voices during the supposedly imagined spy operation plus some idealistic ideas I had for transforming prisons into places of healing and the world into a healthier place. I’ll have to analyze what I wrote sometime to see how good the grammar was despite my imagination supposedly going WAY off the deep end. Anyway, my behavioral health specialists never mentioned my language skills being disorganized. They just said that I had schizophrenia or schizoaffective disorder. So I’m not actually sure how my speech came across to real live people that really did exist, during the days when I was being subjected to a “One-of-a-Kind Social Security Field Test” (i.e. “Privacy Invasion”) as one of the voices – the voice of a neighbor-at-the-time called it. It was after all a few of the imaginary or real voices who gave me rave reviews on some of the skills they claimed to observe (that they would later say proved that I was able to work and didn’t belong in housing for the elderly and disabled) such as my “great speaking skills”, when I was in the middle of passionately lecturing them for hours and hours (while I was sitting or standing alone in my apartment) about why and how their “Mind Control Stunt”, as I called it at some point, was inhumane and unethical. I was planning on writing a whole book at once, but it’s hard to write and organize a full book. It’s difficult to write down all my thoughts on paper into a coherent, chronological format, since my memories of the episode are scattered and tend to come back to me in random order. Also, I don’t know if I have the discipline to write a whole book as I haven’t yet done so in my 45 years on this planet. I have decided instead to try and write a series of essays about my experiences with the “Privacy Invasion” and post them on my blog, one by one. Hopefully someday I’ll have a full collection of them that I can then publish in a book. If I am successful enough, perhaps I can pay the rent without any support of others. Hey…MAYBE I’ll even do some speaking gigs and traveling, if I can manage my energy and stress level and not succumb to another episode! Perhaps I’ll even someday become the famous, important civil rights activist that the voices (when they were being “nice” to me) led me to believe that I could be – and indeed I thought I was an almost-famous civil rights activist at the time. After all, I was in the middle of a battle for privacy rights that I believed would eventually lead to civil rights litigation in the COURT OF LAW, with some legal assistance from the American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU), who I thought might help with no up-front charges because it would be such an important case. I believed I would be standing up and fighting for each and every United States American citizen who was ever told that they had schizophrenia when some of them actually were, they themselves (like me), experiencing what I thought was an actual factual legitimate spy operation (as opposed to an imaginary one)! One of the voices that I heard through the walls of my apartment or inside of my apartment – who I thought was a journalist for Spokane’s weekly paper “The Pacific Northwest Inlander” – repeatedly said that I was destined to go down in history. I believed it too, because – I reasoned – I was going to be a famous whistleblower who blew the cover on an elaborate spy operation that was set up in a way that I’d come across as schizophrenic if I ever dared to tell my tale to others! One of the voices (the voice of my apartment manager at the time, Mary Hurst) said she was going to get me put in a straightjacket for years or even permanently; so I feared opening up to counselors (I had already started counseling before the spy operation at my mother’s request) and telling them ALL of what I was experiencing.. I was afraid they’d diagnose me with a severe mental illness and send me to Eastern State Hospital where I envisioned myself wasting away (like people used to in insane asylums) in isolation in a room with nothing but boring blank white walls, no stimulation, and nothing to do but think for hours on end, with no end in sight. Now, I wasn’t initially one for wanting to increase the United State’s highly inflated prison population by putting multiple people behind bars for their participation in the alleged spy operation, as I had some anarchist ideological leanings and wasn’t a big fan of our prison system. Yet, when I was being subject to a psychologically torturous “Mind Control Stunt” as I called it, with multiple actors, I was really wanting a LOT of people to be held accountable for what I believed they were doing to me and I wanted it all to STOP! If they all got busted, and were locked up in prison – then it would all end – or so I reasoned. It also felt good to imagine my sisters (who I thought played a major role in the “Spy Operation”) being dragged off to prison in handcuffs with grimacing faces. I often felt like I was being attacked by an angry hate mob, as there were the voices of many (who were apparently afraid of me, as I was afraid of them), that I believed were all in the “Spy Operation”. I recall one of the voices through the walls or in my home early on repeatedly asking “Is this a citizen ON the attack, or a citizen UNDER attack?” to which I kept replying “A citizen UNDER attack! ”Originally, when I thought about writing about the spy operation, I was going to write an “exposé”, believing that the whole spy operation was real (I still sometimes believe it was all too real). I believed that some details about my life, such as identifying as solo-polyamorous at the time, being a heretic atheist who was smoking rollies made out of “sacred” Bible paper (I couldn’t afford papers back then), living rent-free at the time in government-subsidized housing despite having a 4-year college degree, being a former Spokane Radical Cheerleader with some Anarchist leanings plus a former owner of a so-called anarchist book store, and being a hoarder which neighbors may have viewed as a fire threat, would show that I was “at high risk” for an actual spy operation. I believed the “exposé” would convince some others that I actually was spied on and continued to be spied on and would lead to a famous investigation and civil rights court battle and maybe even a highly important case in international court regarding the use of psychological torture, as torture is against international law. The voices treated me like a dangerous anarchist or communist revolutionary or even a potential terrorist, and also as someone who was faking my disability who didn’t even belong in HUD housing for the elderly and disabled in the first place. At first, the voices were just trying to chase me out of the building, and I was adamant about standing up to them and refusing to leave my home for the streets or even for another apartment complex. Then, they (the voices) were determined to find me guilty of a crime by spying on me to collect evidence against me and put me away behind bars where I would be doing time. That, or put me in a mental health institution. Or just get me kicked out of my apartment onto the streets to give me a “hand up” and not a “hand out” like some of the voices liked to say. One of the voices, the voice of my ex-husband’s father (Glenn; a wealthy, conservative stock broker who believed in the essentially unfettered reign of a free market) said they would put me at “Ground Zero” where there was only one way to go, and that was up. The latter – getting thrown out of my apartment – really did come true. I did end up homeless after a few months of battling the voices rather than de-cluttering my home with its accumulations of random stuff including gobs of books, over 20-years of collected paperwork (though some of that had been in storage that I lost due to not footing the bill), and gigantic unfinished multi-media art projects made from leftover packaging and leftover boxes that had overgrown my living space. Oh, how I desperately yearned for a small home with a big junk yard surrounded by brick walls decorated with lovely and intriguing murals painted on them (to hide the hideous junk collection outside where I’d be free to make stuff like big and small papier-mâché movie props from upcycled junk). I felt constitutionally entitled to my art projects because – I reasoned – I had a first-amendment right to freedom of expression. That, and it was really important to me to not throw anything away but rather to figure out how to upcycle stuff (although I was no longer saving my smelly food waste in the fridge to rot for a long time with the good intention of eventually taking it to the compost bins of a community garden located over a mile away that I rarely made it to on foot). I was going to help end “The Age of Garbage” by being a role model for the WHOLE WORLD of someone who was transforming all their junk, including washed and sanitized packaging, into beautiful (and interesting) works of art. I was even trying to make a “papier-mâché” cupboard out of leftover boxes (which I obtained from the nearby the dumpster out back, behind O’Doherty’s Irish Grille), to store my art supplies on, and was trying to convince my reluctant father to drive me to the incinerator to get some free leftover paint that would have otherwise gone to waste. I couldn’t talk my dad into it, because he had seen the condition of my apartment and wasn’t going to be an accessory to increasing the “mess”.
Introduction: It all began in July or August of 2015 in a former apartment building called “The Coeur D’Alene Apartments”, located in downtown Spokane, WA on the corner of Howard and Spokane Falls Boulevard; above some local shops, including ones named “Boo Radley’s” and “Atticus”. I thought some neighbors and family had set up tiny cameras in my apartment as well as a microphone that they could see and hear me with, plus speakers that I could hear them with, and I thought I could hear some of the voices through the walls as well. I believed that they were gathering together in a nearby apartment to shout at me, boss me around, poke fun at me, interrogate me, control me, and test me. Before the “Spy Operation” even started, I fancied myself “The Princess in the Attic above Boo Radleys and Atticus.” The Princess in the Attic” was a reference to the book “Still Life With Woodpecker” by Tom Robbins. The names of the local shops “Boo Radley” and “Atticus” were based on two well-known characters in the book “To Kill a Mockingbird” by Harper Lee. I lived on the 5th floor of a six-story building and had started to pretend that my apartment was an attic, kind of like the attic in the book “Still Life With Woodpecker”. My energy level, mood, and pain level had all improved for some time, so I started making art from junk. This included scraps from cigarette boxes I had saved. I had a thing for an exciting guy named Josh who was always in flight that would occasionally stop by to visit me – who LOVED the book “Still Life With Woodpecker” (it was, in fact, his most favorite book of all times). In the book there is a quirky modern-day princess who lived in Seattle who was forced into the attic of her home for a few years by her parents after she dropped a “bombshell” to an audience, including her parents, who were in the audience. She had a miscarriage in the middle of her high-school gym while cheerleading for a game. During the time she spent in the attic, she started reflecting on the packaging of her Camel cigarettes and developed an intense interest in the moon. Later she was let out of the attic and in time, became an activist with the planet’s survival and the unity of all the world’s people at heart. She also fell in love with some crazy guy nick-named “The Woodpecker” who she would later find out was a violent one-time bomber on the run who had managed for years to escape being caught. I was mostly a shut-in in my apartment while experiencing the privacy invasion, so the “Princess in the Attic…” nick-name seemed fitting. The guy named Josh that I was attracted to identified with the Woodpecker guy – always chasing after excitement – although he was no bomber (not that I’m aware of, anyway). At the time (before the “spy operation” began), I was attracted to excitement as I stayed inside the building much of the time, welcoming drama and surprise visits into my life. Back then it didn’t bother me to chase after a guy who would randomly show up and didn’t stick to a schedule as, for a while anyway, I had thrown out the calendar and the schedule planner, as I was feeling better at the time without a schedule. Actually, the calendar was on my wall being ignored, and the schedule planner was buried away in a box somewhere, as I didn’t throw any random paperwork away, not even years and years of crossed-out to do lists and lists of health symptoms, plus various other paperwork, including years of mail (a lot of it unopened). It was all somewhere in my apartment, requiring hours at a time to do an archaeological dig for some piece of information I was looking for that I could have probably found online at the nearby library (I didn’t have online access at home at the time). I acquired a great many nick-names during the “Spy Operation”. I coined some of the nick-names, such as “The Carrie Brownstein Wannabe”, based on my desire to be an actress playing an assortment of hipster-like roles just like Carrie Brownstein, who took on an array of characters in the Portland, Oregon-based show Portlandia, and who was also a member of the band Sleater Kinney. Other nicknames were coined by the voices; including “Cinderella Butt” – which was coined by the voice of my sister Joyce. “Cinderella Butt” stuck and I started calling myself “Cinderella Butt” as well, as I could envision myself wearing a spectacular full-length patchwork gown made from upcycled fabric scraps, and I also had lots of chores needing to be done to pass an upcoming housing inspection. Later, when I started making wise cracks during the perceived or real spy operation, I exclaimed that “…Cinderella Butt Wisecracks are clues…for the police department!” I was under the delusion that the police department would notice that there was what I thought to be a genuine, highly illegal spy operation against me occurring in that apartment building, and would come to my rescue, despite me being a former radical cheerleader with some anarchist leanings. I even envisioned a SWAT team landing on top of the roof of my apartment complex, and entering the building to investigate the spy operation. The voices were afraid of me (I guess for threatening loudly through the apartment walls to start a revolution if they kicked me to the curb), so I started identifying as more of a harmless moderate / somewhat liberal non-threatening Green Party person rather than a radical leftist. I also became less and less opposed to the idea of my “spies” going to prison to do some time, despite my dislike for prisons as a form of punishment and despite my “spies” being family, neighbors, and community members, many of whom I had held so dear and in high esteem prior to the spy operation. I heard lots of voices, including the voices of family, my ex-husband and some of his family, neighbors, and apartment management for the complex and possibly the regional manager for Goodale & Barbieri that the apartment management fell under (though I wasn’t very familiar with her voice, so I couldn’t be sure). I also heard the voices of previous employers and co-workers, local activists that I knew, people I knew from my previous work as an event coordinator for the Hagan Foundation Center for the Humanities, plus from my work in Service-Learning at SCC, SFCC as an AmeriCorps Vista. I even thought that someone I knew through the AmeriCorps program from the west side of the state (Bellingham, WA) showed up. Additionally, I heard the voices of other community members including someone who was a local KYRS Community Radio host, some people I knew from college, some people from the underground “alternative to the alternative” zine “The Finger” that I had helped with back in 2004, and people I met through the kinda-leftist bookstore I opened back in 2004 called “Myra Sue’s New and Used Books and Things”. Other voices I heard included the voices of some people I had gone to church with back when I was a child and pre-teenager, some of the guys I had crushes on during my life, plus a voice I associated with a journalist from “The Pacific Northwest Inlander” because I thought I heard his voice say something about being from The Inlander to neighbors, but who’s voice actually sounded like a former college professor from when I was a student at EWU (Eastern Washington University; located nearby in Cheney, WA). I even thought my sister Joyce and her husband Tony, who were (and still are) financially “comfortable” (they take trips all over the world), flew in some people from outside of Washington State; including a couple of people I had met while working at Diedrich’s Coffee in Irvine, California (located in Orange County) years ago, during my early twenties. The voices tried to figure out if I was indeed disabled as I claimed to be, and just what my disability might be; watching me in my home and trying to determine if I was bipolar or had multiple personality disorder (as their accounts of what I was like all differed). The reason I came across differently to different people is because I have always been a work in progress – evolving over time and trying on different hats – and also due to the different roles I played in life, such as mother, girlfriend or wife, daughter, classmate, neighbor, co-worker, church member, atheist, friend, radical leftist, and so on. The voices of my sisters Joyce and Karrie – who were the ones I believed were conducting the outreach to others I knew and also ones that I didn’t know, bringing them into spy on me, and questioning them about me – were calling me “fake” (which I guessed was because I presented a different persona to different people during my lifetime). I could only imagine why the voices were testing me for bipolar disorder. I guessed that it was due to me having periods of fatigue when I would crash and periods of time when I would excitedly plan ahead – writing long detailed to-do lists of things I was going to get done – and was sometimes a person in action (though I often moved in slow motion).The voices were also doing a skills-assessment on me, while watching me in my home and interacting with me. My sister Joyce’s voice didn’t understand how I had become such a failure in life. During the so-called “Spy Operation” her voice was often sarcastic, and in that tone said “It’s as if she was set up for failure her whole life!” I didn’t catch on to the sarcasm in her voice until later during the imagined (or maybe real) spy operation. I heard some of my “spies” discussing articles that I had written for the SFCC (Spokane Falls Community College) Communicator (the school newspaper) when I attended community college at SFCC plus for The Finger, as well as papers I wrote in my four years of college, with one of the voices (a male voice) exclaiming that I had beautiful writing. The voices also praised my perceived acting skills. My sister Joyce’s voice spoke about my “star power” plus the voice of my ex-husband’s sister Jennifer would say something along the lines of “it’s more role rehearsal” whenever I took to repeating myself to the voices to explain myself or to tell them over and over that they needed to stop the abusive spy operation. Another thing they praised was my speaking skills whenever I took to lecturing them about how their “Spy Operation” amounted to psychological torture, plus I lectured them on other relevant topics including privacy rights guaranteed by the constitution, human rights, International law, etc. and about the book “1984” by George Orwell). They praised my singing and dancing skills – one of the voices called me his “star entertainer”. To psychologically survive the imagined spy operation, and try to convince my alleged spies to stop what they were doing, I tried out some different methods of coping and demonstrating to the voices. At one point, I started dancing and singing to an Oingo Boingo cassette tape I had which had some songs on it that seemed relevant to me at the time with a song titled “Wake Up! It’s 1984” as well as a song called “Who Do You Want to Be” about people putting on different personas. They praised my reporting skills (I was their “star reporter” AKA “underground reporter”). They said I could be a civil rights activist or a lawyer (apparently I proved my lawyer skills with all my counter-arguments to one of the voices that engaged me in debate that lasted for hours and hours and days and days – it was endless and extremely frustrating, to say the least).They also said I could be a philosopher (they noted that I was a free-thinker and told me I was full of wisdom – my brother Gene’s voice even called me a genius at times), a detective, speaker, a poet, and so on. One of my imagined spies, my former father-in-law Glenn, saw the hundreds and hundreds of books (many of them were actually unread or just barely started) stuffed in my apartment and decided I must be “scholarly”, so he called me his “scholarly Myra Sue”. I developed a keen sense of humor to psychologically survive, and yelled out random funny musings through the walls (funny to me, anyway, though one of the voices I thought was coming from the hallway outside my apartment at some point expressed how he was tired of my “Cinderella Butt wise-cracks”), including some ideas I had for article subtitles for “The Onion” which prides itself on humorous fake news. The article titles related to my experiences during privacy invasion, which wasn’t fake to me, but that I thought would make for good Onion articles if cleverly written, and might eventually lead to it leaking out to the public that there was indeed a REAL spy operation against me occurring. One of the voices had warned the other voices about letting it leak to the public that there was a spy operation in the building, and I was dead set on letting it leak, though my method of yelling through the apartment walls to leak it were unconventional (and ineffective).
In addition to some of my spies saying that I had great acting skills and therefore must be malingering, they said some other abusive things as well. My brother Gene’s voice repeatedly called me “useless” and also repeatedly said that he heard that I was as “hoe as they go”. I think his voice called me “useless” because I was just sitting and lying around much of the time during the spy operation, and also because I wasn’t working at a job or “contributing to society”. I guess his voice called me “as hoe as they go” because I was solo-polyamorous before the spy operation began and had a few different guys coming to my door to offer me their company, which raised eyebrows with some of the neighbors (though I should point out that in HUD housing, anyone not on the lease can only stay for 14 nights/year, so it makes sense to have more than one partner). The voice of my apartment manager at the time, Mary’s, asked if I was up to the “lie test” before I heard the voices of her, my sister Karrie, and my brother David start interrogating me through the walls of my apartment building (I thought they were in the office located on the floor above my apartment). My brother David’s voice kept calling me a liar and also kept saying I was “clearly clueless” for trying to learn experientially about life (such as playing pretend at being an underground journalist, underground reporter, or an anthropologist that was studying the culture of HUD housing in a downtown apartment complex that had a lot of foot traffic.) My sister Karrie’s voice was telling me to “grow up!” for playing pretend and playing dress-up. I tried to explain myself to her, saying that it was giving me a psychological boost that was good for depression and energy level. I had also been doing some oral story-telling, comedy, and theatrical play-acting with friends prior to the spy operation, calling it “drama therapy” that I benefited from psychologically. I was at my creative peak before the spy operation “crashed the party” with my self-prescribed art projects and drama therapy. Neighbors had concerns about me personally, because (before the spy operation started), I was noisily moving stuff around all hours of the day, in an effort to get organized for my HUD inspection, and also because I had a few different visitors coming to my door (I was letting a few homeless people hang out in my apartment to be nice to them and also to learn more about Spokane’s homeless population, and the culture of homelessness). One neighbor saw me one time in the elevator when I was tipsy from wine, and thought I was high on drugs, and verbally harassed me (he was known for harassing and stalking other tenants). He also asked me if I even belonged in the building. I said “Yes” and he said “We’ll see about that!” The spy operation started within a few or several days of him saying that. After the spy operation started, I stopped taking visitors into my home (except for my counselor Janelle). I spent nearly all my time alone for several months.
As far as the skills assessment, one thing I failed to do was cook regularly for myself – and they (the voices that plagued me) had brought in a local chef named Zack I had once dated to participate in the privacy invasion, to see if I had good cooking skills and could be a cook in a restaurant. I wasn’t eating much and I was losing weight. I had no appetite and couldn’t focus on the complex task of cooking, as I was an emotional wreck. All I could do at the time of the spy operation was focus on the voices of my spies and loudly defend myself and hope to convince the voices to stop their torturous “Mind Control Stunt.”
Written by Myra Sue St. Clair Baldwin I have more research to do before writing a reflective essay titled “If the Biblical God is Real, He’s a Genocidal Dictator!”
Update (10/15/2019): Since I’ve been researching this topic, I have discovered that there’s other material out there making many of the same points that I make. I like the title I chose, though. This project is on hiatus for now, although I will be adding some links to other material for my readers to look at. I plan to later read some of the literature out there that includes points I was planning to make, and eventually write a reflective essay & summary of the material – including stressing some of the points I was planning to cover myself. I’m going to add another blog post covering my experiences with schizophrenia and homelessness. I’m on medication for my schizophrenia and currently not having symptoms of schizophrenia. I will also be doing some reading about socialism, democratic socialism, fascism, and anarchy and reflecting on those as well in the future.
I believe it’s highly unlikely that the Biblical god is real. I believe the Bible is another mythology. However, for the purpose of my article (or book), I will be treating the Bible as if it’s the word of God and all true. If the Biblical god is real, and if the Bible truly represents his words and actions, then he is highly unethical in relationship to human rights and animal rights, and one shouldn’t want to follow him and glorify him. I believe it’s important to question leadership, and the Biblical god and Jesus forbid that people question them and they expect blind faith, plus they don’t tolerate criticism. Therefore I am writing an article examining the ways in the Biblical text in which God is genocidal, abusive and a dictator. There are agnostics out there who believe they should follow the Biblical god in case he is real, so they don’t suffer God’s judgment and an infinitely torturous hell. I’m here to say that God and Jesus shouldn’t make threats like that to people, that people shouldn’t accept God’s cruelty that he’s demonstrated against people and animals in the past, and that they shouldn’t let God control them into blindly following him out of fear. I found a YouTube video titled “God is an evil, malevolent, self-absorbed tyrant” that brings up some of the same points that I’ve been planning to make and more, although some of the points I’m making aren’t included. The video references a couple of the same scriptures that I have referenced and some other ones as well. Here are some of the points that I’ve been planning to make in my upcoming book or article. This list will grow as I continue my research:
The Biblical god resembles a fascist dictator in many ways. It is important to know that fascist doesn’t necessarily mean anti-Semitic. I will be elaborating on this point later on down the road.
God is insecure and forbids idolatry (the worship of other gods) and turning away from God and Jesus. I believe in religious freedom (the freedom to choose which god(s) and/or goddess(es) one is going to worship) plus I support freedom from religion. I believe in cultural and religious freedom with the exception of not condoning human and animal sacrifice as well as violent Jihad, and this includes religious freedom and the right of societies to be free of cultural genocide. The only changes to the world religions that are and have been necessary are those that are violent to people and animals. God’s history of commanding cultural (including religious) genocide in the past is unacceptable. All God needed to do in the past was to do something about religions encouraging human sacrifice, plus he shouldn’t have mandated animal sacrifice (which is animal abuse). Also, God shouldn’t have directed wars on others, nor should he condone war with others today. Today he should do something about violent Jihad without a war on Islam. According the Bible, “through God all things are possible”, so he should be able to take action nonviolently and without total destruction to the cultures and religions of others. I also support those who want to be free from religion, and they shouldn’t be punished by God for that decision. God needs to have more respect and tolerance for individual rights.
God is a genocidal maniac, he’s homophobic, and he’s a supremacist. He committed genocide twice in the book of Genesis and elsewhere in the Bible.
He brought the Great Flood on nearly everyone and nearly every animal and creature living in the book of Genesis. According to Genesis 7:23 (King James Version), “…Every living substance was destroyed which was upon the face of the ground, both man, and cattle, and the creeping things, and the fowl of the heaven; and they were destroyed from the earth; and Noah only remained alive, and they that were with him in the ark.”
God burnt down the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah after making threats against the people. A commonly long held interpretation of the scriptures in Genesis that told the story of Sodom and Gomorrah is that the city was destroyed because the men in the city were gay. If this is the correct interpretation of the scriptures, that makes God homophobic and genocidal. Genesis 19:24-25 says “Then the Lord rained upon Sodom and upon Gomorrah brimstone and fire from the Lord out of heaven. And he overthrew those cities, and all the plain, and all the inhabitants of the cities, and that which grew upon the ground.” I’m not okay with God threatening members of the LGBTQ community and committing genocide against them. This is similar to what Hitler’s regime did – imprisoning thousands of homosexuals and killing many of them, and that was horrific and tragic. There are also scriptures in the Bible in which God gave the death penalty as a punishment for being gay. Mankind that lay with mankind were to be stoned to death by the congregation. Again, this is not okay. God shouldn’t forbid homosexuality and cause people to discriminate against gays. Later in the New Testament, it became a forgivable sin if one were to follow God and Jesus. It really shouldn’t even be called a sin at all that one has to be “forgiven” for. A lot of people are naturally gay and society (as well as God) needs to accept and embrace that!
God destroyed the whole city of Nineveh (all that were unable to escape) for their “wickedness.” The prophet Nahum in the book of Nahum foretold of the upcoming destruction of and genocide in Nineveh. Nahum 1:8 reads “But with an overrunning flood he will make an utter end of the place thereof, and darkness shall pursue his enemies.” Nahum 1:10 says about Nineveh: “Yet was she carried away, she went into captivity: her young children also were dashed into pieces at the top of all the streets…”
The Biblical god believes he’s superior to all other gods, plus he has a “chosen people” that he said was superior. Deuteronomy 7:6 reads “For thou art an holy people unto the Lord thy God; the Lord thy God hath chosen thee to be a special people unto himself, above all people that are upon the face of the Earth.”
God led the children of Israel to drive out the indigenous population of the “Promised Land” including the Canaanites and Amorites, plus to commit genocide against them. Deuteronomy 2:2 reads “And when the Lord thy God shall deliver them before thee thou shalt smite them and utterly destroy them; thou shalt make no covenant with them, nor show mercy unto them”. God wouldn’t merely accept the Israelites living peacefully on the land with the native inhabitants for the natives were culturally different from them, with different gods than them. God also wanted the children of Israel to commit cultural genocide in the promised land, commanding them to destroy all the graven images. Deuteronomy 7:5 reads “But thus shall ye deal with them: ye shall destroy their altars, and break down their images, and cut down their groves, and burn their graven images with fire.” It’s not really okay for people to drive others of their land and to kill off people who already occupy the land, and to try to violently destroy their culture. This is akin to what some of the European powers did to the natives living in the Americas as they were seeking to colonize the Americas for farm land (to be worked on by slaves) and for precious minerals such as gold. Then the “settlers” of North America (or rather “invaders”) forced many American Indians into the Christian religion and forced them to speak only in English, which is cultural genocide.
Jesus of the New Testament is not the nonviolent ruler he’s been made out to be by a great many. He threatened torturous eternal hell fire (cruel and unusual punishment) in the New Testament against those that don’t agree to follow him and the Biblical god. In Matthew 25:41, Jesus says “Then shall he say unto them on the left hand, Depart from me, ye cursed, into everlasting fire, prepared for the devil and his angels.” The Harper Collins Bible Dictionary (2011) describes hell as “a place of eternal punishment for the wicked.” Jesus and God threaten nonbelievers who don’t convert to Christianity, people who worship other gods other than the Biblical god, and people who speak out against Christianity with Judgment Day and eternal hell fire. People should be allowed to have alternate viewpoints, to be of different religions including Pagan and Hindu, and speak critically about religion and politics – including speaking critically about Christian, Judaic, and Muslim religions, without fearing God’s judgment.
God encouraged the children of Israel to take the “spoils of war” including women and children when they went to war against the Hittites, the Amorites, the Canaanites, the Preizzites, the Hivites, and the Jebusites (those dwelling in the land that God promised to the Israelites). Deuteronomy 20:14 states “But the women and little ones and the cattle, and all that is in the city, even all the spoil thereof, shalt thou take unto thyself; and thou shall eat the spoil of thine enemies, which the Lord thy God hath given thee.”
God kept harshly punishing the Israelites with many wars against them for worshiping other gods. A great many of them suffered and died, while many were repeatedly driven out the land where they lived. In 587 BCE, Jerusalem was destroyed by the Babylonians, which God allowed to happen as punishment. Lamentations 1:5 says about the city of Jerusalem”…for the Lord hath afflicted her for her multitude of transgressions…” Lamentations 2:22 says “Thou hast called as in a solemn day my terrors round about, so that in the day of the Lord’s anger none escaped nor remained – those that I have swaddled and brought up hath mine enemy consumed.”
In Old Testament days, God commanded that people be stoned to death for a large variety of “transgressions”. In Deuteronomy 18-21, Moses (who’s speaking for God) says that if parents have any sons that rebel against them, that the men should stone them to death. Violence against one’s children is unacceptable! I will be adding more details to this point in the future.
When God helped Moses take the children of Israel out of Egypt, where they were being held in slave bondage, he didn’t just bring down violent wrath on Pharaoh and Pharaoh’s slave drivers. He brought wrath upon all Egyptians, even Egyptian servants, and all of the Egyptian children, and on all the living creatures of Egypt. Only the children of Israel and their animals were spared from the torturous plagues. God could have delivered the Israelites from slavery without cruelty upon all of the people of Egypt, but he wanted to put on a big show to drive fear of the Lord into people, that they might believe in him. God hardened Pharaoh’s heart ten times and he didn’t have to. He could have softened Pharaoh’s heart so that the pharaoh would let the people go without violently torturing all of the Egyptians and without all the death that God caused in Egypt.
God is guilty of animal cruelty. He destroyed nearly all animal life (plus the lives of other creatures) in the Great Flood. He also brought sorrow and death upon all the fish in the river, all of the Egyptians’ cattle, and upon the frogs he sent into Egypt, as well as other living creatures when he brought the Ten Plagues against Egypt. God also mandated animal sacrifice as repentance for sin and he could have chosen to forgive these so-called sins without requiring animal sacrifice.
God suppresses the opposition, is abusive and threatening, plus uses fear of his judgment to control the population. God and Jesus have forbidden blasphemy (criticizing God or God’s vital force). The children of Israel were severely punished with having to roam the wilderness for forty years plus were often times killed for daring to speak out against God. In the Old Testament, one of God’s laws that he gave the Israelites included a law in which blasphemers were to be stoned to death. Leviticus 24:16 states “And he that blasphemeth the name of the LORD, he shall surely be put to death, and all the congregation shall certainly stone him: as well as the stranger, as he that is born in the land, when he blasphemeth the name of the LORD, shall be put to death.” In the New Testament, there was some leniency showed towards blasphemy, except for that of the Holy Ghost. Matthew 12:31 states “Wherefore I say unto you, All manner of sin and blasphemy shall be forgiven unto men: but the blasphemy against the Holy Ghost shall not be forgiven unto men.” What exactly is meant by this latter verse is debatable, as various Christian or Catholic religions define Holy Ghost differently. Not allowing criticism against a leader’s power or “vital force” and severe punishment of one’s critics is what a dictator does. We shouldn’t accept living under the dictatorship of God. We should be free to question God’s power without fear of judgment.
God expects to be glorified and wants people to bow down before him and sing his praises. I will be elaborating on this point.
The Bible is God’s propaganda he uses to have great influence in the world. I will be elaborating on this point in the future.
Not only is God homophobic, but he’s also sexist. In Genesis 3:16, God speaks to Eve (after she and Adam ate the forbidden fruit from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil), saying “… thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee.” I will be adding more evidence to support this point in the future.
God accepted slavery in the old testament, which he regulated with special rules, rather than telling people not to commit slavery at all. When the children of Israel went into the land of the Canaanites and others and waged war on them, God permitted them to take slaves. I will be elaborating on this in the future.
God expects people to have blind faith in his leadership. God’s son Jesus healed some sick people, but only if they had strong faith in him. People who dared to question him were considered to be of little or no faith, and were left to be sick and/or physically disabled. People who don’t put their faith in God and Jesus will be subject to judgment and hell. This unfairly punishes people who think critically about the nature of God and the universe.
God also controls people with the promise of great rewards in the afterlife. Many accept poverty in the present, and accept abusive work conditions while being placated by the future that God has promised them if they repent, obey him, have faith in him, and accept their current fate. God has set aside a luxurious exclusive place for those that blindly follow him and Jesus and wait patiently for the big day to come.
God has strict commandments, including commandments controlling people’s sexual behavior and marriages. I will be elaborating on this in the future.
Sorry that some of this is redundant. It is a work in progress!
I was going to title this article or book “God is a Fascist Dictator”, but the meaning of fascism is very complex and unique to the 20th century, so I couldn’t quite make a case for it. But there are many ways in which God is like a fascist dictator and I will be pointing these out as I continue my research.
This is how I intend to request letters of support for my case:
Use DEAR MAN (A Dialectical Behavioral Therapy tool) to request letters of support. Offer $40 to friends for their time spent reviewing and responding to my request.
Obtain email addresses and physical addresses of people I’m requesting support from.
Email them the request letter, asking for them if they’d be willing to spend a couple of hours reviewing my case report and write a letter indicating whether or not they believe it’s possible that I really WAS spied on, along with supportive evidence.
Send them the case report if they are willing to spend the time doing this. Offer reward for doing this for me, as it will take a couple of hours or so. Pay them for their time regardless of whether or not they believe me.
If people feel it’s possible, ask them to use talking points, including:
Competencies demonstrated that run counter to a schizophrenia diagnosis.
Recognizing a strong motive for the alleged spy operation.
Specific points addressed in my case report that support the possibility of a real spy operation.
Anything they know about the character of my alleged spies (for those who have met some of my family, for example).
Their credentials, if they have any, and/or their relationship to me.
Schedule a 2-hr session with MJ, Laurel, Stephanie A, Rex, my peer support specialist, and a couple of counselors at FBH who believed I may have been spied on, to review my case report and interview me. Ask if they believe it’s possible that I really was spied on and ask them for letters of support to present to a legal team, along with their credentials.
In the case report, document:
My request letters (showing organized thinking and applied DBT skills).
The letters of support from those who believe it’s possible I really WAS spied on.
My full report, showing the who, what, when, where, and why of it, circumstantial evidence, as well as the history and character of some of my prime suspects.
Here is the strategy I presented to my counselor at Frontier Behavioral Health today. She didn’t have any suggestions for improvement. She never tells me I’m schizophrenic when I present stuff like this to her, and she seems supportive of my desire to pursue justice and have my case properly investigated.
The Evergreen Club and my position as a Consumer Educator for E.W.U. (limited contractual work) will provide me with opportunities to develop and demonstrate many competencies, which will be important in building my case report and in gaining letters of support from others who believe me, which I will be presenting to a legal team along with the case report. The case report will explain the who, what, when, where, and why of the alleged spy operation, as well as explore the character and history of a few of my prime suspects, plus show many of my competencies that are outside the norm for someone with a diagnosis of schizophrenia. I will especially be seeking out opportunities to develop and demonstrate competency in presenting, writing, editing, organizing, collaborating, and communicating, showing organized thought as well as demonstrating critical thinking skills. At the Evergreen Club, I am engaging in committee work, will be giving club tours, in which I will share my personal story (just parts of it as there is stuff that I won’t be opening up about publicly when I represent the Evergreen Club), will plan and prepare presentations to other organizations, including the Spokane Homeless Coalition and civic organizations. I offered editorial advice a recent self-study at the Evergreen Club, a study that we must routinely submit to Clubhouse International to keep our accreditation. I prepare Power-Point presentations and Facebook posts for The Evergreen Club, as well as do front desk work and some other work as needed and as my mood or energy level dictates. Furthermore, I plan to run a book club for the book Their Eyes Were Watching God, engage in writing and sharing with the Drop in & Write group through Spark Central (although that’s currently on hold as I need to do more work on anxiety & developing my competency at written communication & vocabulary), and later on in the future I plan to work with the Spokane organization Music, Art, & Creativity (MAC). That’s on hold as well as I have lots of other work to do before I get to that, plus need to gradually work on systematic desensitization before I’m ready to participate.
Furthermore, I will be planning on how to cope with a stressful court battle and potential publicity. I will gain the verbal support of other agencies by sending them my case report along with letters of support to various agencies who might be sympathetic to my cause and have my back. Gaining support will provide me with other individuals and agencies to reach out to when I am in heightened states of distress during the potential court case along with any potential negative publicity from the press and social media that arises as a result of pursuing legal action.
So, the big important thing I’m going to be doing in the next several weeks is – I wish it was abolishing capitalism, but no, that’s over my head – is preparing a document to present to a legal team that makes a compelling argument that my privacy rights were violated, that I was put through psychological torture, and that I was a victim of a hate crime. Putting this document together and preparing to speak to a legal team is anxiety-inducing, so I’m going to be working with therapists and am going to try what’s known as “systematic desensitization.” I’ve already started the process of desensitization by sharing parts of my story publicly on Facebook and on my blog. I’m also participating in a public group outside the safety of the mental health community, though I haven’t shared a lot yet with them about my personal story, but it is a writing group, and I will be writing about myself, and sharing parts of it. I ended up in pain from the anxiety last time I was in group, and I’m going to have to embrace some physical pain as I expose myself to triggers. So long as I understand what’s causing the pain, so I don’t freak out about the pain and end up in extra bad pain from health anxiety, I’ll manage. And I have Xanax I can take when it gets really bad. If I get the publicity I’m pursuing, I could end up in severe pain for a few days when news breaks out. But I’ll have supporters I can lean on. I can call First Call for Help if I need to. I can take Xanax and practice coping techniques. I’ll be learning and reviewing lots of coping strategies in the next several weeks as I plan to attend group therapy at Frontier Behavioral Health. So, I will be arming myself with solid steel armor. And I will be taking lots of busy breaks to distract myself from all of this as well. What I won’t be doing much of is resting as that just increases my anxiety because I spend my resting time thinking and overthinking stuff, which really isn’t restful at all. Sometimes I sleep well, and sometimes my sleep is shitty. I’ll just have to deal with it. btw, I’m reading “Fight Club” which is one of my many distractions right now. Got other projects going on at The Evergreen Club. I might be at risk of going overboard, which I have a history of doing, but I’m trying to stay as busy and preoccupied as possible when not spending time constructively addressing my “situation.”
My neck muscles are all knotted up. My nerves through-out my fascia are whining obnoxiously, like a children’s choir. But I’ve got to do this. I’ve GOT to! This is my revenge. I must teach them a lesson if it kills me! I could get tied down at the stake and burned alive, a human roast. I might get tortured first. But I want them to wake up one day; fully wake up to the realization of “Oh my God, what have I done?” I want that to sink in, deep down into their bones. I want every ounce of fiber in their entire body singing my song in a squealing voice, laden with a high-pitched synthesizer sound. I want their stomach muscles tight and achy much as mine, and I want them to feel so sick to their stomach that they vomit puke-green slime. I want them to cry out to the great heavens, begging forgiveness for what they have done; for what I have had to endure.
I had to go back to the cellphone repair shop, because having the new microphone placed on my smartphone replaced didn’t do the trick. The repair shop wasn’t far away, but when you have to take the bus around, every place feels far away. You have to wait outside in in the snow, the rain, during allergy season; even during record heat waves followed by wildfire season which means poor air quality. I would have had to take only one bus to get there, but then I would have had to wait for up to 30 minutes to catch the bus coming back.
Now some people are big on the idea of shopping local and shopping small, but most of them have cars. Try shopping small and having to take multiple buses all over the way to buy different things. Also, you have to bring a shopping cart with you, and the bus driver might make you fold it up before boarding, which is a hassle. A packed bus will sometimes drive by someone with a cart full of groceries or someone in a wheelchair due to insufficient space.
I’m not saying all this to scare you away from riding the bus. We absolutely all need to get on the bus! Our planet is dying. Billions of creatures and lots of people are dying! There’s a reason though why I prefer to shop along the bus route and take only one, maybe two buses, despite believing in the idea of “going local.” Of course, nonlocal food travels an average of 1500 miles from the farm to your plate, so maybe I’m not doing the world a favor by not having a car. Not that I can afford a car or all local, organic food on my budget, anyway.
Luckily, I do live near a local corner store. But this corner store mostly sells nonlocal liquor, tobacco, junk food, and soda – so they’re not to be idealized by any means. I do support them, though. I sadly have a tobacco addiction, plus I like an occasional beer or two (and they do have decent beer for cheap). But by no means are they great role models as they cash in on our addictions. If cocaine were legal, they’d cash in on that too.
I’m actually for the decriminalization of drugs due to the violent nature of our war on drugs and due to people having to spend so much time behind bars due to their addictions. But at the same time, I don’t necessarily like people profiting off of our addictions. It’s no different than cashing in on our shopping addictions, our eating addictions, our gambling addictions, and our addiction to oil. Though honestly, some people get by only because they sell drugs, due to their own tragic addictions or due to socioeconomic factors and/or other factors can block other opportunities in a land where there’s almost always an unemployment rate (which provides employers with a ready labor pool of people desperate for jobs). Only lately do we have a shortage of employees, which is making for more favorable working conditions for those looking for jobs.
I have big dreams but have to limit them due to my Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, which sometimes gets depressing. If I had lots of energy, I’d build a successful nonprofit out of our blog, maintain a healthy social life so I could have lots of friends and acquaintances, and socially network. Not only would I write and publish my book, but I’d keep up better with the news, read lots of books, attend more protests, go to parties, go bicycling regularly, write lots of articles not only for our own blog, but for other publications as well, to help build up my name. I’d go on a big book tour to promote my book, plus would give speeches on other issues I strongly believe in. I’d speak out against capitalism & colonialism, speak up for reparations to the African Socialist People’s Party, speak out against hate crimes against sex workers, speak out against racist policing and mass imprisonment – especially of men, particularly black and Latino men – and speak up for the decriminalization & de-stigmatization of the entire sex industry and all drugs as well as advocate for free access to drugs to help prevent drug-related crimes that hurt people. I’d have a home with an art studio and a shed so I could upcycle art from junk and would devote some time and energy to art projects. I’d take lots of classes and workshops, including ones for nonprofit businesses, for art & welding, for speaking & dramatic storytelling, for writing, and for photography. So much more….
Unfortunately I like many others who have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome or other disabilities that limit our potential, can’t do all that.
I need to modify my future plan. It could take years to complete, promote, and publish my book, and time is of the essence in bringing some of my former spies to justice and suing them. My x-husband’s father is a wealthy retired stockbroker with a big home and lots of investments. But he won’t be around forever, and I need to sue him before he dies. My sister Joyce and her husband are in fantastic health and financially well-off so I’m sure they’ll climb socially and monetarily. Suing them isn’t as urgent because they’ll likely live at least 20 or 30 more years, possibly even into their 90s. I also plan to sue Goodale & Barbieri as I believe the apartment manager & maintenance guy of the building I lived in were in on the spy operation and had reason to illegally spy on me.
I can’t wait for my book to come out to sue my ex-husband’s father, however. So instead of focusing on my book right now, I need to work on my press kit some more as well as work a part-time job for several months when I have the energy, and use the extra money to hire a private investigator to work on my case. Afterwards, I am hoping to have enough evidence to present to the media to motivate them to finish investigating the spy operation I strongly believe I endured. After working for several months, I’m sure I will need some time for recovery, and then I will need to devote some time and energy into pursing a legal case against my alleged spies. Then I’ll need to recover from that, before working on my book. And given my energy level, that could take another decade, and at some point I’ll need to socially network more to promote my book. I may need a friend to do the book tour for me and share passages as well as talk about me from their own personal experience.
When I sue, I want to buy three drug repo houses to have renovated ecologically – one for my son, one for my ex-boyfriend, and one for me and my current boyfriend. I will also need to save up money to live on and will need to pay for a housekeeper for me and my disabled boyfriend, as well as increased utilities, health insurance (which I currently get for free through Medicaid), food without food stamp support, some money for recreation, home & garden tools, and much more. Not that I’ll be doing lots of gardening as that also takes energy, but I’ll try to get outside to garden with my boyfriend once in a while. I want my home to have a master bedroom & bath, a guest room & guest bathroom, a couple of offices or maybe one office with two desks, a living & dining room, a room for books, an art studio, and a shed for collecting junk for upcycling projects. These increases to our cost of living will limit how much reparations I can pay, but I will do my best to pay my reparations due. I will charge a small amount of rent to my son and ex-boyfriend depending on how they’re doing. My ex-boyfriend isn’t taking care of his health and doesn’t have health insurance, so I’m worried he’ll become disabled and lose his janitorial job. He’s razor-sharp though, so maybe I could get him to help with the blog should he become disabled and have more time on his hands, in exchange for cheap rent. I will also need to hold out money for upkeep & maintenance of the homes I own.
Hopefully I can do all this. It’s still a lot for a person with chronic fatigue though…
I don’t plan on kink-shaming in this article as BDSM can be fine between 2 consenting paired adults, so long as the agreement as followed and so long as there’s no major injuries such as limbs being broken, hands being cut off, and eyes being poked out. I don’t know if anyone has ever consented to major injuries anyway.
However, I did read in the Merck manual of mental disorders that less than 10% of rapists are sadistic. I would argue though that ALL rapists are NONCONSENTUALY sadistic. The reasons cited for rape is the desire to be powerful, and I would argue here that ALL rapists get off on the idea of causing PSYCHOLOGICAL pain to the victim, perhaps even excited at the idea that their emotionally traumatizing someone for life. While this isn’t physical torture per say (aside from the violence of the rape) it is definitely psychological torture.
The research hasn’t been done on this, though, so I can only speculate. This would, however, make for a good area of research, so if you know a psychologist who is interested in the psychology of rape, you may want to suggest this to them.
Motivated by race, gender, a fixation on sex workers, and perhaps by a fixation on so-called “Communist China.” I read some time ago that white supremacists were planning to start targeting sex workers. This was before the pandemic, when right wingers & right wing media personalities were blaming the virus on China. Add that to the fact that Epoch Times did a mass marketing campaign for awhile about their paper and the “threat” of “Communist China” and white supremacists also tend to hate communists and socialists. Keep in mind Joe Biden is also a right-wing nutjob spreading disinformation & misinformed of China, as well as much of the so-called liberal media. Anyway…so there was a lot of fuel on the fire already when this hate-filled white supremacist murderer shot eight people focusing especially on Asian female sex workers.
By Myra Sue St. Clair Baldwin, manager of The Deep End Northwest (a blog you’ve probably never heard about…YET).
I initially wrote this for The Onion, only to find out that The Onion doesn’t accept contributions from outside writers. I will have to educate myself about publications that DO accept outside contributions. Anyway, this was intended to be funny, even though it’s about a painful experience I underwent. This is written in third person...
Myra Sue from Spokane WA (now labeled the “All American City” reportedly remembers reading an article in the Pacific Northwest Inlander in 2015 (A Spokane weekly newspaper) about someone’s storage getting bought out and treasures being found, such as brochures. This reminded her of her own storage (which had brochures in it) getting bought out, because one of two guys stole her $80 her parents had given her to pay the storage bill she was behind on as well as her bottle of Xanax. She claims she only read this one article, well perhaps another, in all of 2015 because she was busy studying drug culture “experientially.” Despite reading this article in The Inlander, she claimed to be completely unaware of Shar Lichty’s 2015 run for Spokane mayor – even though she reportedly knew Shar Lichty from The Peace and Justice Action League of Spokane – until an alleged spy operation was underway (which, coincidentally started on or around the time of Spokane’s primary election on August 4, 2015”. She alleges one of her alleged spies told her and that is how she found out about Lichty’s run. She said because she was so caught up in “studying” drug culture, she didn’t know what was going on in the world outside. “I was busy studying drug culture like a cultural anthropologist or investigative journalist, plus I was busy scrapping and creating upcycled art from junk plus shuffling my stuff around like a Rubik’s cube to make everything fit so I wouldn’t be evicted for hoarding,” she said. “Then I got spied on by neighbors, apartment management, the maintenance guy, my hateful siblings as well as my hateful ex-husband’s well-to-do family, and a few others. They spied on me because they suspected me of drug abuse and drug-related activity and my neighbors were stalking and harassing suspected drug users and their friends.” She says also that her snobby sister Joyce Pardi’s husband has a close family member who’s retired FBI, and they may have thought she was a potential “terrorist” threat due to identifying as an Anarchist and threatening to anyone within earshot of her while she was talking loudly through her apartment walls that if they (Republicans in general and the apartment management) kept throwing people out on the street without food stamps and housing, then she was going to start a street revolution. She reports saying this so that her apartment manager would think twice about evicting her to avoid the beginning of class war, but that it backfired on her. She claims her alleged spies put her through psychological torture, which is against international law. While you are just now getting acquainted with Myra Sue, she says she plans to go down in history, fighting for the privacy rights of all druggies and suspected druggies. “The 4th Amendment applies to us to and I plan to fight the privacy rights for ALL U.S. citizens; even noncitizens!” While she has yet to make history and have her claims investigated by the media, she plans to write a book about her experience as well as her entire life and use her earnings to hire a private investigator to investigate her case. “I’m not a schizophrenic, and I’m going to prove that!” She’d ultimately like to see her alleged spies get busted.
Last night I had a dream about my sister Joyce and me. We were sitting around a coffee table with a female friend of hers in a home (hers or her friend’s). She and her friend had their cell phones out and decided to charge some things to a few other guys’ accounts. Her friend said they weren’t likely to get caught, because these guys were not likely to look at their statements. My sister had no reason to commit these crimes other than for the thrill of it. She hadn’t committed any crimes since childhood, apart from the abusive spy operation I believed she and others had put me through, as well as underage drinking (which most everyone does). She had her own successful business (unlike my business which isn’t making it off the ground) and her husband is a civil engineer. They’re financially well off with no addictions to feed (except for shopping) and for my sister’s full adult life she’s been a social climber making all the “right” choices (though she has a shopping addiction for brand new consumer clothes & goods). It should be noted that the production and distribution of global consumer goods is as hard on the environment and as exploitative as street drug & pharmaceutical production, cars, and non-bioregional non-organic non-GMO food, but she obeyed the law anyway and worked hard (she’s blessed with natural high energy and is smart, so she’s been able to climb the ladder, unlike me who suffers from chronic fatigue and sometimes brain fog, plus I also learned about the evils of capitalism in college). Anyway she initially charged something to someone else’s account and felt kind of nervous but also kind of excited. Then she did it again and felt really excited, like that former high school lab teacher on Breaking Bad who starts producing & selling meth and gets a charge from it despite not using it himself. She exclaimed “I’m a criminal!” excitedly.
Anyway, her friend miscalculated, and somehow this indirectly led to a man’s death. I’m not sure how, but anyway they were afraid of getting caught. I wanted her to get caught, because I reasoned that would prove she was “criminally minded” and would help me build my case against her, my other siblings, and others who I believed spied on me. But I didn’t want to let on that I was planning to rat her out because I was afraid she might kill me to avoid a prison sentence. I decided to wait until I got home and then join the secret witness protection program. So I kept quiet. I went out to lunch with her and a couple others later and kept quiet. Then she had a party going on at her house with people coming and going, including a couple people I recognized from high school and tried to say “hi” to. People were also partying outside in the back yard. Somebody handed me a statement that had two items on it; one for $200 and one for $300 and it had a man’s name on it; apparently it was a statement for a guy who my sister and her friend stole from. I held onto it – but later someone wanted to see it and I handed it to them. She looked at it and gave me a surprised look and I said, “It wasn’t me!” Then I was afraid I had said to much, so I continued to be quiet while trying to appear social. The lady I had handed it to was showing others at the party and they were talking about it. I feared how this would turn out.
Later that evening, there were a few people outside in the front of her house. A man was outside in the middle of the street – a man they stole from – who had just coincidentally happened to stop by and had the statement in his hand. Apparently he was told that the statement was a bill for the alcohol for the party to cover up what the charges were really for, and he was talking about how unfair it was that he received a bill for the alcohol when no one else at the party had.
The next day I was with Joyce and a few others outside on someone’s lawn. I was standing with my back to the street facing the others and Joyce was on the right. I loudly blurted out a quote from the alleged spy operation. I can’t remember what the quote was; it was something that one of my spies said, and it was really fitting to the occasion. Perhaps it was “Is she criminally minded?” which I had heard Joyce herself say during the alleged spy operation, though in the spy operation, it was directed at me instead of herself. Everyone to the left of Joyce was looking at me, not understanding what I was talking about. Then I looked at Joyce and she let out some laughter like she recognized the quote, and then I laughed. I looked at everyone else and they looked at me like I was crazy, so I said “It’s an inside joke. You would have had to be there to get it!” I didn’t want to mention the spy operation because they would just act like it never happened and I was just schizophrenic.
Then I woke up, so I’m not sure how this story would have ended.
I edited some of my blog articles on privacy invasion as well as my bio to indicate that the spy operation may have been real or imagined. It was a great pleasure to re-read my essay “A Carrie Brownstein Wannabe Tries on Different Hats” as it was well written, quirky, and detail-packed.
Whether or not people believe there was a real spy operation, they should find my autobiography intriguing, when I’m done with it. I don’t think it will be a tell-all after all, because I was too traumatized by something to include it in my book and besides, I don’t want the media to get ahold of this tidbit of information on me. Just thinking about the potential for publicity (some of it negative) has put me in a state of severe anxiety, plus has caused me to relive the trauma I experienced. Though, even writing about the spy operation even without that piece of information will still be hard to do. Sorry to disappoint for not letting the cat totally out of the bag, but the media would possibly, totally PULVERIZE me for this secret. Hahaha! I will NEVER tell!
I just LOVE flirting dangerously with the press! But I will NEVER give away the ending!
For a while, I was numbing the pain By staying busy with groups, the Evergreen Club, and SLP activities. And I needed to do that. What I’d been through was so profoundly painful. I didn’t share my whole story with my counselor or in groups. But now I’m working on writing my book. It’s not going to be easy. Writing my book will be painful. Sharing my story with the public will be scary. I don’t know how the public will react. I will probably gain a few fans, but have a lot of enemies. I don’t know if I will win my case in court. That’s up to the jurors, and I don’t know how kind they’ll be towards my cause. I will need to rally lots of support. I will need for a lawyer to be doing the majority of the media interviews, because it will be hard, really hard for me to do that. I get that some people were feeling hurt and angry, and that’s why they lashed out at me, but that doesn’t justify what they put me through. It was not okay. This could happen to somebody else, and it shouldn’t. Therefore I will proceed with this matter. It will get easier with time. I might attract the attention of the KKK. They might physically torture me and martyr me. I must be VERY brave! The book might take a while to write, because the subject matter is so deeply painful. Yet, there may be a statute of limitations that I have to consider. So proceed I must.
They [my alleged spies] acted like I could be an actress, a journalist, a reporter, a business owner, a historian, a philosopher, a poet, a spouse, a speaker, an instructor., a revolutionary warrior, and a criminal detective. The list goes on and on.
By Myra Sue St. Clair Baldwin
When my alleged spies tried to show me what all I could do, well, they must have been kidding me! To be a reporter, I really need to devote seven to ten hours per day following the news and chasing down stories and getting out in the community (I will try to get out more after the Covid-19 crisis). But as a business owner, I have other work to do that interferes with tuning into the news & literature full time. There’s a website to build, videos to edit, technology to trouble-shoot, and secretarial/bookkeeping work to do like filing quarterly taxes. Plus I have housework to do, which also suffers. The list of things they suggested I was capable of goes on and on. And my work suffers as a result, because I really CAN’T do it all! They acted like I could be an actress, a journalist, a reporter, a business owner, a historian, a philosopher, a poet, a spouse, a speaker, an instructor., a revolutionary warrior, and a criminal detective. The list goes on and on. I run out of steam (and time) to do it all. They just wanted to prove that I had talent and was therefore malingering. As a matter of fact, I am leading an investigation…into them! An investigation into the spy operation. I plan to send my former spies to prison, as well as sue them. I’ll teach them not to fuck with people!